Cover Girl of Doom

days off are seriously over-rated.

2011-09-30T15:18:00.001-04:00

so as some of you know I am now employed at a school. a Jewish school. So I was off from work for two whole random weekdays. Oh the joys. I can finally do my framing, empty boxes (from March), order photographs, eat pizza and lay half naked on the couch. Get my nails done. Shop in peace.

and then the cabinet people for our kitchen called. Said they wanted to do the install on ...you guessed it!.... Sept 29th and 30th. Well, since I have been living sans kitchen for like 6 months I decided not to kick a gift horse in the mouth. I should have kicked the gift horse as hard as I could.

let me preface this by saying the installers are sweet and professional. the people we ordered the cabinets from are Neanderthals.

yesterday they showed up on time. Started the install. Claimed the beams were laid out wrong. My husband laid the beams and we went over them last night and they are all evenly spaced. This made it take longer to do the install. Measurements did not line up TWICE. This made the job take longer. They also grossly damaged my kitchen floor, again, I was super cool. So last night they left and all that was left to do was install the crown molding, the kick plates and the handles. I figure, this will all be done by 2 pm at latest. And then I can go out.

so they came late. around 11 am. Now I am agitated. Mostly because although I am not doing any house work, I am answering questions. I am trapped in my office space typing a blog. Today it was determined they sent the wrong crown moldings, in the wrong size....and they are piecing them together. in my humble opinion, they look like shit. I was just informed , on top of this, they do not have enough to finish the job and will have to come back a third day. I cant be here a third day. And since I or my husband have to sign off, this is all turning into a steaming pile of poo. Additionally, they were going to fix my floor, but now we have no time for that. So instead of being nice I may have to mention all this BULLSHIT to the major company that was hired to do this job.

So it is 3:12 pm. They are still working. I have to have this house in order for a meddling 2 year old in about two hours. it's loud and smells like sawdust and my smoke alarms keep going off.

and as i sit here and i type, i realize how I became a workaholic in the first place. days off are seriously over-rated.

charmed life

2011-09-11T16:17:00.003-04:00

i have too much to say i guess for just a facebook status. this time of year makes me so anxious, i am almost feral. foaming-at-the-mouth-tense. it starts mid-august and ends around the end of September. maybe it is my late friend denise's birthday, or lack there of. maybe it is left over anxiety from being a child and having end of summer blues. I still get excited as the summer approaches the way i did because I feel in my heart forever that school is out soon (although i will work regardless).

on the 10th year anniversary of September 11th, i feel like i should feel something more or something different then i have felt for the past ten years and i cannot put my finger on anything i feel, better or worse, that is really any different. I suppose i reflect the same way everyone else does. thinking about where they were that day. i was on my way to world trade center, to obtain the new tori amos single for strange little girls, because it was new release Tuesday. i had located a sam goody at the trade center a week prior. my train slowed down quite a bit after 14th street, and i realized i couldn't make it down in time, so i exited at Canal street to walk to my office.

my cd Walkman ear buds....everyone always said a bomb could go off and i would not hear it. as usual , i was listening to bjork. the sky was so BLUE. so beautiful. I stared at it as I exited the train stairs and I too thought, what a beautiful day. The evening before, before it rained, on my walk home from my train I had stopped and stared at the lights of co-op city from afar...thinking the same thing....what a beautiful night.

i walked up Canal towards Broadway and was immediately befuddled by the large number of business people that far up at that close to nine am. I realized everyone was staring south. I kept moving. As I approached the intersection of Canal and Broadway, I saw the smoke. i still passed it all off as a fire, and continued to get my breakfast. Medium coffee, dark two sugars, Cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese off the roach coach.

I took my ear buds out to order.

I hear the voices all around me, I had just missed the second plane hitting and everyone knew now what was happening. In the three minutes I walked around the corner, it had officially gone from accident to what we all now know happened. I remember feeling like I was drowning, like I could not ingest the information fast enough to breath and move. My friend and my coworker Evelyn took the train through WTC every morning. I grabbed by food and bolted up the stairs panicked.

She was in the office already. She was laying down. She was screaming and crying and she was hurt. She had fallen running. She had seen more that morning then anyone should ever have to see. But she was ok and in my sight so I could move forward with the next tasks at hand.

My boss was headed to DC for a meeting, co-workers in Philadelphia. I couldnt reach anyone. Someone from my office announced "we are under attack." The news was coming so fast - and every time me and my co-workers looked south things were getting worse. We made phone calls. I spoke to my boyfriend at the time online. His father worked at WTC. He was believed to not be there when the event happened but no one could locate him. I called my family. They asked me to come home.

Then the Internet died. Then the phones. Then the cell phones.

We discussed a plan of action. One of us lived in Brooklyn, one Manhattan, Eve and I in the Bronx. We listened to the news. We all sat and I smoked right there in the office which no one cared about. It was then that the news radio said it appeared the first of the two towers was collapsing. We all turned to look out the window.

It looked like paper. Just millions and millions pieces of paper - fell towards us. It did not look like a building exploded or collapsed. But gently avalanched down. A gigantic crest of paper swooping in all directions. And then there was just the smoke. The dust. the Silence.

I decided things would only be getting worse and I advised everyone to make there way to safety away from our office. As we exiting the building, men in black were coming in. They were on rooftops everywhere. Evelyn and I began our walk North. To get from Canal Street to Grand Central where we had heard trains were eventually going to run. We walked fast at first, but everything was exhausting. This quiet parade of people in shock. I smoked. I drank a can of coke which I held onto like a security blanket. We watched fighter planes pass above us, shuddering in their shadows. We saw city buses filled with military men and women, wishing they could just take us home.

I dont know how long we walked. I know right before we got to grand central station we saw a billboard for citibank that read

"your most vulnerable moment will not be spent behind your desk".

We entered grand central and learned the LAST metro north was leaving for the immediate future. We ran down the stairs, and managed to get into the train. We couldn't believe we made it. For once, no one was rude, or uncomfortable by how packed it was.

I made it home that day. At some point. Only to find out the rest of what had happened, and my boyfriend's father was still missing. He would go on missing. and has never been found. He was supposed to be at an outside meeting, but went to the office to get something. He died in an elevator car with several other people ,after it free-fell and crashed, but he did not die from the impact of the fall, from what people who survived by squeezing out of the car say....this is where he stayed behind while they left to get help. The building collapsed as they were exiting and sending help his way.

Evelyn and I never discussed this in advance but we both threw away the clothes we wore that day. She wore a flower dress and construction boots. I wore a tee shirt, and faded grey jeans. And my plaid converse. We threw them away. Both of us.

For days, I had the sound of sirens stuck in my head when I closed my eyes to sleep. It was like tinnitus, but sirens. This is when I started my awful habit of always sleeping with a radio or TV on.

I don't know what I learned from all of this. I eventually came to learn we were never safe at all, and our number was up. Realizing all the years of my life, that at any time this could have happened, helped me cope. I was scared like everyone else in the weeks and months and years to follow. I asked my close friends to at least not let the media to make me out to be some brilliant, book loving, good Samaritan girl and use my graduation picture on the cover of the newspaper if it ever did happen.

The only thing I have learned, is how much I really did love my life before. Before the check points, the armed military at my train stations, the terror of seeing white powder anywhere, or smelling any strange smell in a subway, which pretty much is impossible. How i could take an elevator and not hyperventilate. To carry a backpack and not be subject to searches. To just walk through Manhattan and not feel like the whole world might just fall on you at any moment. To not have witnessed and lived through and dealt with quite intimately with my boyfriend and his family and the loss - a tremendous one - all the while it being an event that changed the way the world spins for years and years to come (and still to come). To not completely collapse in fear when the black out came in 2003. To drive across a bridge, and not panic when you hit traffic. When my daughter yells..."Look Mommy, an airplane!" ...I want to respond enthusiastically "Yes, IT IS!". I cannot. I usually say nothing at all. I see something different when I look to the sky. Every single day.

I had thought that I stopped loving NYC when my friend was murdered there, in the place we had both loved and enjoyed so much, but that was not the case at all. Matter of fact, I really had maybe just started to feel alive again when the attack happened. I just know, my new york is gone now, for so many reasons, physical and mental. Stores have closed up. Clubs have closed up. I think that all the people, who were really free, just like I was free, re-treated that day, enough to leave the city to complete change.

I still have fun. But my years of fearless abandon ended with this. So if I learned anything, it is that freedom is a state of mind for me more than anything. Freedom to me is having nothing to fear, Nothing to mind out of the corner of my eye. At least nothing like being blown to smithereens at a concert. I was always street smart, but terrorist smart - that's a stretch.

I don't mind having to have my background checked to fly. That is not my freedom. I don't mind my computer being monitored or what books I take out of the library. That is not my freedom. My freedom was in my heart. It was the innocence and aloofness (or what was left of it) I felt before September 11th 2011. The girl walking blindly to work with her headphones on so loud, a half asleep skip in her step, wanting her coffee, not looking over her shoulder, who quite literally could not hear a bomb explode. This was my life at it's charmed best.

new house

2011-08-28T11:52:00.001-04:00

we finished most of the house months ago but who knew i wouldnt have time to blog with a toddler, a full time job, a busy social life and citiville on my hands?

attached are some photos of the finished progress.

mia before

mia after

bath before

bath after

living room before

living room after

hurricane

2011-08-28T11:35:00.003-04:00

that was pretty much a lot less than i expected.

coming along

2010-09-12T22:51:00.001-04:00

some progress has been made at the house that anthony re-built.

-bathroom floor redone
-dryer vented !
-90% plumbing done
-99% electrical done
-drywall/sheetrock started today!

we still have several delays so we wont be moving until october. here are some photos:

old ugly kitchen floor found under newer floor

new bathroom floor

dumpster

stairs that anthony found under floor in 2nd bath

anthony rebulit the floor same area

the money pit

2010-08-03T19:45:00.000-04:00

the money pit part II has begun filming in the bronx.

while i was on vacation the floor in our future bathroom collapsed. A plumber working feel into the floor but fortuanatley not into my aunt's apartment downstairs. water rot. after a little bit of panic and a huge loss of time...

so the floor is being reconstructed.

electric and plumbing are well on the way to being completed. today i started picking out fixtures. i cant wait to do mia's room. it is the room i have complete artistic control over and you know it's gonna be wild!

mia just did something god awful in her diaper. gotta go. :)

more destruction!!

2010-06-06T17:02:00.011-04:00

yay i am over the moon at how much progress was made this weekend. Thanks much to Danny & Krishen!!

some more before and afters: kitchen:

after i left they removed the tile. removed all the panels in the rest of the house and drop ceilings and carpet in the master bedroom. We will be done by next weekend and ready to start plumbing and electric!!

the heat is on

2010-06-05T15:47:00.004-04:00

the heat is on. figuratively. literally. it all sucks no matter how you dice it.

ant is stepping it up around the house....so that is good news. he has help today and i am super excited that the kitchen cabinets are being removed. i was concerened we might try and forgo getting new ones...and these are fairly awful.

all the baseboard heating covers are off - this was the hardest part of the demo stage so far. i can only imagine what the house will look like the next time i go back. i was too hot and bothered to take pictures today. maybe tomorrow.

In other news, Mia is a real chore on the weekends with all this going on. she refuses to take naps anywhere but at home or at daycare so it s becoming harder and harder to keep her happy for long periods of time. i miss when she would just fall asleep in my arms...now she needs to be sedated with a tranq gun it seems.

by the way i don't actually do that.

so now i am home and in the air conditioner, about to eat some chinese, watching lost:season 1:episode 5 :white rabbit. this is where jack acts like a mega dick to everyone, and for good reason...he has not slept in days and he is seeing his dead father walking around all over the island. the rest of the losties are pissed because the bottled water was stolen. jack comes back and gives a huge speech to calm every one's asses down just in the nick of time...

"if we cant live together we will die alone. "

if Mia does not learn to nap again, i will never leave my home again.

take it down

2010-05-30T11:17:00.003-04:00

the beginning of the end

2010-05-25T19:16:00.005-04:00

as promised i said i would blog our destruction and construction of my childhood home.

but, first, the dull back story.

my grandmother owned the house in the Bronx. it is two apartments (an "apartment house"). the downstairs housed my aunts and my grandmother. my aunt died several years ago and my grandmother died 3 years ago, leaving the one remaining aunt (Dee as many of you know her). my father rented the upstairs apartment. we moved there when i was 2 and my mom was still alive. my mother died when i was 7. my father remarried when i was 16. i left home right after my 20th birthday.

after my grandmother died she willed the house to me, my father and my aunt. this was a huge mistake for so many reasons. but when you have lemons....you get bitter....

Flash forward to April 2010 and when my parents finally decide to move out and buy a home (go them!).They decided in a week's time because a great house came available to them. So, since we cant sell the place due to the fact that the market is so bad AND the house needs so much work; enter Anthony, MIA and Maria.

i have many many emotional reservations about returning home and i find it all so creeptastic that we are pretty much re-living the experience my own 3-member family had in 1979. Mia will be raised in MY childhood bedroom. Anthony and I will sleep where my parents slept. I will look out at my grandmother's roses. At the risk of going all types of melodramatic....it's not easy for me in any sense of the word.

I suppose I am missing my father and my step-mom too. It's all sorts of weird that they are not there. I will eternally see my father, in the kitchen,listening to 1010, doing crosswords, smoking Winston's and drinking a Heineken. (Most of these things he gave up years ago. But this is what I see when I think of going home.)

and my bedroom. i wish i could freeze some things in time.

SO we HAVE to make it look different. Basically like a different place. Just yesterday, when I was in there and it was all empty and quiet i said "well it looks the same as it did when i was a kid, but now it looks raped" . To which my husband softly responded "calm down".

The first thing to go this week were most of the drop ceilings to reveal at least a foot more of ceiling height as well as some serious damage. In the kitchen there are stalactites formed from water and rust damage. There is evidence of paint from when my aunt's lived up their as teenagers (my aunt is 72 now).

I don't know how things are going to go but I am excited and sad all at the same time. I cannot wait to see our finished project. I know I will be OK once the memories are hidden away by new coats of paint, drywall and new tile. I know it is an investment and that we are really lucky to have the opportunity to do this project - rather than trying to buy a home in the same condition or worse, which would be all we could ever afford in today's world, and then have to make thousands of dollars of repairs on top of that.

I hope my dead family is looking down with smiles and wishing us luck. No one had the opportunity to do what we are setting out to do. I guess I would rather be the one to pretty it up rather than sell it off and have some other family enjoy the home.

Home. That is what I hope it means to me again.

FTW! - well just the MTA!

2009-07-25T10:35:00.002-04:00

I am on hold with the MTA.

On Thursday I was made late to work because none of the kiosks at Fordham Road would give me my tickets. I had to stand in line and get a ticket to get to work. Which took for-bloody-ever. I had a fight with my boss later that night. It made me cry in front of her because I had serious hormonal issues (I later found out).

So today I log into my bank account. Charged! Not One but Twice!!! I am on now with a nasty MTA worker who has no reason to be nasty. I have been informed I called the wrong number. So now I am on hold again.

I am sure I will speak with another nasty person in a few moments. My call is NOT important to them!! Why do they lie and say that? Why does everything have to be so aggravating that by the time you actually speak with someone you are so pissed you cannot even articulate properly??

I have to call a THIRD number. They are open Monday - Friday 9-5. Naturally!
Yet they can debit my bank card on a Saturday.

it has been a while, hasn't it?

2009-07-23T09:55:00.004-04:00

and here I am. The baby is finally independent enough for me to take 5 minutes to type a thought or two. Most of you know what keeps me busy these days anyway. No need to get into all that.

the baby is on the verge of crawling which is exciting. i am not terrified like other people are of her getting into everything because I feel there isn't much for her to get into around here. I say that now and in a few weeks when she pulls down an entire CD/DVD rack on her head I will come back to this and smack myself clean across the face. she is eating stage 1 solids which, to say is a mess, is an understatement.

as of now I am working part time. I am not particularly jazzed about working or my job these days for many reasons. Some days I don't feel much of anything anymore about the job. I just do it because it is a paycheck. I think most of my misery is because of the economy which is causing MAJOR boredom around my home. We stay in every night. We pay for what we need and not much more these days.

my aunt, god bless her, watches Mia the days that i work. and when i have to go to the doctor. She is very good with the baby. She calls me to tell me almost anything about what the baby is doing. she asks me what she should do in almost every situation. it's great. except that i wish i was here some of those times.

everything is pretty much the same but all together different. except i am still watching spongebob even tough Mia is down for a nap.

it was the best of times. it was the worst of ...

2008-09-29T20:05:00.003-04:00

ok lemme ask you this?

who gets married and has a baby in the middle of an economic depression?
Apparently me and my dead grandmother.

as you know the financial future sure looks bleak now...but who knows. all i know is i have been burning through money between moving and planning a small ceremony and getting ready for baby. It just seems like nothing stops and every day someone needs more money rattled out of my broke ass.

aside from the fact that i am getting poorer by the second i should mention i am rich in love and happiness from my fiance and all the people around us who are helping us during this time.

i know things could be a lot worse so while i cant count my pennies i will count my blessings.

i will dole out a lil advise though. try and not get married when you are like 5 or 6 months pregs...the wardrobe options get slim!

but here she is - my lil bug:

From Pictures

i'm back?

2008-09-01T12:49:00.002-04:00

well.
it has been ages hasn't it? things have been getting kinda hectic. so i stop now to update everyone on where and how i have been.

I started a new job!

I got engaged!!

I moved!! In with my sweet anthony!! he is playing PS2 right beside me as I blog. it is wonderous!!

I have a laptop!!

and other things I will blog over in good time but for now I leave you all with just this.....

xo,

mariba

i received the following email today.

2008-06-08T19:13:00.001-04:00

Dear Sir,

My greetings to you and your lovely family! This mail might come to you as asurprise
and the temptation to ignore it as unserious could come into your mind; but please
consider it a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility. My name is
Martinez Morgan. I am a 54 years old man, I am Cuban currently residing in Venezuela
(Venezuela). I was formerly living in Cuba and served under Castro`s government
but had to run into self exile after the ruling Government of Fidel Castro closed
in on my family on accusations of anti-government statements, I was once married
with two children but my family also my wife and children escape to america before
they where one of those vitim in world trade centre.

l did made a lot of money serving Castro and on getting to Venezuela, I have been
a merchant here in Venezuela dealing in Ornamentals, Oriental Carpets and Artifacts
and life was very smooth for me until about three(3) years ago when I was first
diagnosed of Stone kidney. Before this happened my business and concern for making
money was all I lived for, I never really cared about other values in life. But
since the loss of my family and hometown, I have found a new desire to assist helpless
families. I have been helping orphans in orphanage/motherless homes.

I have once donated some money to orphans in war ravaged Eritrea, Somalia, Sudan
and some East European Countries.
Before I became ill, I kept $ 4.5 Million in a long-term deposit vault of a finance
company and I now that i have lost my 2 kids and my lovely wife who was suppose
to be next of kin when the money was deposited and if I died without putting some
one incharge to use it for the help of those motherless and homeless as well as
orphanege homes so that the money will not automatically go into the coffers of
the finance company and I don`t want this to happen. I have left the hospital and
presently receiving treatment in an acupuncture clinic, I have been undergoing treatment
for Stone kidney at the hospital.

I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only
a few months to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to those
who really needs it then allowing it to get lost in the bank or any organizations
will not use it for the good work of GOD.

Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness,
I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.
Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me collect the deposit and distribute
it amongst charity organizations. Use your judgement to distribute the money and
feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money for any cost you incur during
the process of collecting and distributing the money to charity organizations. I
am willing to offer you a reward If you are willing to help, please reply as soon
as you can on my alternate email address:( mar.morgan54@gmail.com ). Looking forward
to hearing from you soonest.

Best wishes,

-stone kidney eh? sounds serious!

today's interview - like sand in my bathing suit - only less comfortable

2008-05-23T15:05:00.004-04:00

hello world. yes i am still blogging for all 10 of you who read this. Things have been hectic as of late. I have given myself over to staffing agencies. Been interviewing a bit more. Still have yet to find a job.

Today I had an interview that required I dress up in a suit and heels and smile a lot. The past few years I have been able to get by on skill alone, but desperation in these desperate times now requires that I dress up like a CEO and march in just to tell someone I can answer phones and type memos. How does my clothing show the world any of this? It doesn't. It is stupid. Now I am not saying you should interview in jeans and a tee-shirt, although I should add that half my interviewers have in fact been in jeans and a tee-shirt, but a black suit....come on now. It means nothing at all.

But i digress. I initially met with the CFO or CEO or controller. She was very staunch - but nice. And we had what I thought was a decent, even great, interview. So great in fact she asked me to hang out and meet with the principal. I agreed of course- he would be the guy I would be assisting.

We walk into his office - he glances at a chair and says sit down. I immediately dislike this man and I can tell this will never work. But I say to myself "you've worked for some really big jerks, maria. Give it a chance." Then he asks me several condescending questions about my resume (which is pretty good) and mentions to the CEO that he doesn't need someone to "do all this" - the controller and the principal have a quick conversation about why i would be needed,who I would be assisting, all the while making me insanely uncomfortable.

And then it happens.

"where is this in the Bronx?" (i explain where i live)
"How long did it take you to get here?" (40 minutes...he says sourly "that long?" I consider this quick!)
"Are you married?" (No.)
"do you have children?" (NO. but this time laser beams are about to shoot out my eyeballs)
"Because that would make it very hard for you to get into work". (yes. he fucking said this)

At this point as far as I am concerned the interview is over and I wont even work for this fat, selfish piece of shit whose idea of family is the business he owns and the people (his sons) who work for/with him. I met with one of his sons, just because I didn't feel good walking right out since the CEO had been so gracious so far. He was really nice. If he had been the guy I would work for it would have been a different game.

I got outside and immediately called the staffer who set this up and I told him what happened. He agrees with me that it was inappropriate but defended the guy for asking. When I tell him I cant take the job, he gets aggravated and pretty much terminates the call. At this point I am fine with all this - but I know in my heart it isn't over at all. I know that they loved me. I know I can have the job that I didn't want. I knew they would call him and tell him this.

Phone rings about 40 minutes later. It's the staffer - calling to tell me they love me and that he discussed why i was not a happy camper. He tells me initally he didnt tell them we had spoken, and they sys he told the CEO we spoke. I notice at this point he is a liar, and a bad one at that. He goes on in all sorts of ways to defend why this man asked me these questions, such as wanting to get to know me, which was all untrue because the man told me it was because I couldn't get to work in the morning of I had a family. When i pointed this out to this asshole staffer - he got angry and again terminated the call.

me-" I appreciate what you are trying to do Ric, but he made me very uncomfortable"

ric-"What i am trying to do???? I am only relating information. You know what, I am gonna wish you good luck and say goodbye"

me-"Goodbye"

This phone call left me so deflated and made me realize just how shitty women have it. Seriously, I do not want to be thinking about this guy if and when I get engaged, married or have children....which is what I was trying to explain to the agent,Ric the asshole, who really did not give a shit about my feelings, all the while. It is wrong for the guy to ask the questions (illegal actually) but if he wishes to know that and it is something he doesn't want then I agree! Don't hire me! But not only was I made to feel inadequate because I am female, I also had my nose shoved in it....2 more times by my count.

I decided to temp if that is at all possible. I am officially bitter!!

Happy Memorial Day!!

how annoying

2008-05-02T16:56:00.003-04:00

i have been subpoenaed to attend a resume writing workshop in a continuing effort to assist me in obtaining employment.

i have to report to someplace on east 149th street on May 15th with my resume. If i do not - this is the BEST PART, the part when they threaten me- my benefits might be suspended.

HOW FUCKING ANNOYING!

I just finished a conversation in which I said 'maybe i will learn something' and
My fiend said "i doubt it. i do not think anyone has ever learned anything on 149th street". She is probably unequivocally, absolutley and totally right. I don't have time to look up on Wikipedia what has happened on 149th street so I will recap my few memory:having coffee at a bodega at 7 am with two women who were drinking 40 oz's

HOW FUCKING ANNOYING!

show me the money. or spare me.

2008-04-14T19:12:00.005-04:00

New York State has asked me to participate in the South Bronx Workforce Career Center Program. I am offended for the following reasons:

1- I am not from, living in or interested in the South Bronx. Just the North. Thanks.
2- Here is what I get from the site they pointed me to after wasting 2 hours of my time filling out forms and answering questions.

Below are the job openings that matched your search.

There are currently no jobs listed with America's Job Bank in this field within: (ANYWHERE not 25,50,100 miles or NEW YORK STATE (.)period)

You can revise your search radius, or visit America's Job Bank for more search options.

So I did visit America's Job Bank for more search options
Here is what America's Job Bank had to offer:

Cleaners of Boats: inspect parts, equipment and boat for cleanliness, damage and compliance with standards or regulations. Scrub, scrape, or spray machine parts, equipment or boats - using scrapers and brushes, cloths, cleaners, disinfectants, insecticides, acid, abrasive...

On Site Linen Manager: The qualified professional will provide in-service linen management, inventory control and maintain good customer relations in a facility located in Brooklyn. The person must be proficient in microsoft office and excel, be organized and have strong leadership...

Carnival Worker: Friendly, outgoing, energetic staff. All positions open full and part-time. Carnival ride attendanats, games, crafts and fun foods. No experience necessary. Driver's license a plus. Heavy lifting involved. Weekends required.

I should point out that the Carnival Job is a new york state job, but surprisingly not listed with the NYS job bank. Go figure. The typo on attendanats is also their typo....

the plans that we made...a street serenade

2008-04-08T23:03:00.003-04:00

you can't be like your
brother and mike,
content just to live and get by.
i hope that your fine,
at 13th and 9.
waxing or waning?
your call.
but i see you there
alight at the top of the stairs
but so far away
and i recall all your
hands and your plans moving me
the sense that it made
a street serenade.

-waxing or waning, better then ezra

no but everything's fine

2008-04-04T10:35:00.002-04:00

80,000 jobs slashed in March

U.S. employers slashed jobs for the third straight month in March, the longest period of declines since early 2003. CNNMoney.com reports the unemployment rose to a nearly three-year high, yet another sign the economy may be falling into a recession.

I feel better that 79,999 other people have suffered this cruel fate.

In other news, the pregnant "man" - he is obviously NOT REALLY A MAN. SO look at it this way - he is a bearded WOMAN who is pregnant. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!!!???
Ugh. this country should be bombed from space forever.

7 am is the new 8 am

2008-03-31T13:38:00.004-04:00

This morning something strange happened on the television.... Rainy days and Mondays....I tell ya....

I overheard the newscaster say that the MTA stated they would be unable to comply with the previously issued improvements they said they would make if they increased the fares. And they did raise the fares. I may have been dreaming. But it seems that is what they said, to which I reply, "Are you fucking kidding me?".

It is not as if I believed at any point that the MTA could really improve anything, I mean, there is only so much you can do for a system that satisfies 7 million customers daily. At this point the only way to help is to have one constant platform moving and people just jump onto it. I also really want to know precisely how the congestion pricing is going to affect the trains. If the thousands of people who drive in every morning want to get on the train now, I do not know where we are going to put them. I have been tempted to just roll myself under the seats and travel in that way because there is no room. No room at all. Even leaving hours earlier is no longer helping. Apparently everyone goes to work at 7 am. I guess 7 am is the new 8 am.

My only two complaints about the system are that there is not enough service for people, and there just can't really be. And that there is not really a good level of coordination at all. Alas, they never promised me a rose garden. I never cared how dirty the trains were, how much crime was on the subway etc. I just wanted to get to work in under an hour. Infuckingpossible.

But for now that is all someone else's problem. Hoorah!

My employment dilemma carries on and between me and everyone reading this, I have no desire to work, to look for work, to commit to a job, to feign enthusiasm, to attempt to wear a skirt, to smile and say I really am a team player but I work well independently too. None. And I really won't. I bet there are nice people out there I have just been dealing with the same people for so long I am sheltered and I am in all likelihood a little insane. I fear I have Stockholm syndrome and I sympathize with morons.

Today I worked out to the new Counting Crows album. I am pretty sure that is a clear sign of mental illness.

it is raining

2008-03-28T11:06:00.007-04:00

OK so the weather is total shit. I am going to go to the gym now I guess.

I really have nothing else to do but sit here and read

I have returned from my adventure to the daytime world and let me tell you it ain't pretty. Much as I suspected daytime people are all people who are out there because they have to be. Meaning, they are elderly, disabled or legally insane and honestly, in my experience, these are pretty much the same thing. Wait I forgot the 4Th possible category: suddenly unemployed.

The lady on the treadmill next to mine was singing out loud. But you know, like every 9th line of the song, so it would be sort of jarring when she would burst out full throttle. She was also doing some sort of rain dance shit. She was tremendously out of shape,god bless her, but it is pretty obvious she is new to this because she was (1) tremendously out of shape and (2)she was acting like an asshole on the treadmill and I will bet my entire gym membership that nighttime people simply don't stand for that shit.

Another man in the gym was on like a stair-climber type thing and he was going so fast it looked as if someone had it on fast motion like they would do on TV, like on Benny Hill. I was laughing so hard I nearly ate it and fell off my treadmill. Basically I cannot change my center of gravity at all on a treadmill or I go wobbling off. And yet I am judging the actions of others at the gym? But you should have seen this guy. I am pretty sure he wasn't doing it right.

Lastly when I tried to use the elliptical stations, there was a man about 7 inches shorter then I am - in full cycling wear. I mean, head to toe spandex and sunglasses that covered most of his face. He also had a ace bandage (or old pantyhose) tied around his knee cap. He looked like a pirate/jockey hybrid. And then his woman. She looked like a biker. And I mean like she was in the Ching-a-Ling gang. She looked mad that I was using station 6, because she was coming up on station 6. So I stopped and fucking left. No need for that sort of heat.

I walked home and I went to get my eyebrows/misc. hairiness done as a reward for leaving the house. When I walked in the 'salon' what appeared to be four 3rd graders getting manicures all stared at me, and I was ever so enthused to actually get all sorts of facial hair peeled straight out of my face, and come back out blistered with redness, only to have these brats KNOW that I am old and hairy. Then I remembered they all must have old hairy, mothers. They are after all getting manicures and they are like 10.

On a total side note, my room mate had ordered a microwave in anticipation of us moving soon (are we still since i am now a broke ass _______? stay tuned). She ordered it for like a dollar from Macy's. So somehow, they sent her TWO of them, days apart. And they both had the same order number. So basically it was the perfect crime. Two cheap ass microwaves for like REAL cheap.
Room mate takes the high road and calls Macy's and tells them what has transpired. So today, UPS gets here and picks up the box. I meet the UPS guy and he says I am also supposed to pick up an iron. Now i know room mate has this iron up here, but I know she only got one of those. So I tell the UPS guy "That must be some mistake. We aren't returning the iron".

I know he thinks I am a lezbian now and that is fine. But then he gives me a slip and says ok take this for when you are going to return that.

I am now eating a plum and drinking a beer. I know. Who does that???

who is carmen hawke?

2008-03-27T10:25:00.007-04:00

I have been awake for one hour 26 minutes.

since awakening I have watched "posh and becks" true Hollywood story, and about 4 minutes of "keeping up with the kardashians". I guess the mother had a trainer over to help them with their diets...and she suggested putting a chicken coop on the property so they could have fresh eggs. I can only imagine the hilarity that ensues because I think that's disgusting and I shut it off. I hate reality TV. It's all forced and scripted.

So I made a cup of coffee, ate some cookies. Contemplated my own chicken egg coop so I could stop like eating cookies for breakfast and sat down here. I have made the following observations about being unemployed:

1- I wasn't happy at work this whole year. I am bereaved because of my grandmothers death and I needed a job that made me feel useful and important. This job that I had was much the opposite. I think they bullied me in a way. No one could help me out when I asked for help. So now I feel it was pretty spiteful. I don't think I like that at all.

2- My resume looks like crap and I am too uninspired to even sit here and redo the stupid thing.

3-I truly only want to hang out with my boyfriend and THINK about going to the gym. I won't actually get off my ass and go to the gym.

4-Some may think I am lazy or feeling sorry for myself. My friend who has been on bed rest with a high-risk pregnancy said she said something like "well i never had the chance to be lazy before" when faced with the dilemma of being on the couch for months at end. Yeah. I hear that! So there is my silver lining. Except like why the fuck am I comparing being fired to bed rest???? I would like to relax for like a week. But i keep coming across jobs that want to pay me a whole lot of money. I feel like every minute passing is an opportunity lost. So you can see why it sucks to me someone like me, and to be on the dole.

5-Everyone says right now I should do all the stuff that I haven't had a chance to do. You don't really want to do that when you're confused about your future. I had HIGH hopes and now I am totally stalled. I can't stand not having control over basically anything...so this is no treat. Then I feel like everyone MIGHT think I am not trying hard enough. Yes. I still care what people think of me.

So my main dilemma is trying to be comfortable with NOT being a "monster" as my roommate put it the other day. I have to let this LIE for a few days. I cannot run right out there and dedicate myself to another shit job because I feel the need to
prove myself to myself or others or because well, I feel NOT having a job is the lowest form of existence. (There is a REALLY REALLY good reason for that).
But I am so not like that!!!

This morning in between THS and Kardashians I also saw a commercial for Milla Jovovich's Target line. And I said "Why Milla? WHY NOW?" (I actually texted my discontent to my boyfriend, who is at his job, and i am sure he is still rolling his eyes now).Ok, who is Carmen Hawk? Anyway. I guess this is what it looks like and I now vaguely remember something about this on Jezebel.

I like 2 and 4 - which i BET are not Milla inspired cos she said something about flowers in the commercial and I don't do flowers anymore. I don not think I have done floral since my 1st year of employment when I wore long floral skirts. Wretch!

Thankfully I am not floored by the line at all.

There is a Yoga class in 1 hour and 45 minutes. I can only imagine what the gym is like on a Thursday afternoon. Daytime people terrify me.

More about that soon I am sure.

i don't feel like bloody working!

2008-03-26T18:56:00.002-04:00

so my boyfriend will be here in 5.

We are going to go for a walk. Get some food. Get some beer.

I look adorable and you know what:

no one has called me yet for an interview and you know what:

i don't feel like fucking working anyway!

There!!! I said it!

i sort of lost my job this week.

2008-03-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

well i totally did.

but look at this:

http://zoltanslab.co.uk/index.html

ok i feel a lil better now

2008-03-18T20:33:00.001-04:00

Quick Vote

Paris Hilton's new show: Would you compete to be her best friend?

Yes 4% 507
No 96% 11410

Total Votes: 11917

this is so not normal!

2008-03-07T18:44:00.004-05:00

i left my job! to rush home to my sweetie and get dinner!

"i am not going to shower. ill shower after dinner"

Torrential downpour. I get caught in the rain. So i decide to shower.....

(start "Phycho" music!)

Um....

what!????

But I just like....washed my body with that.....

Now...how to brush my teeth!?

WTF!!
Obviously the shower I took outside was cleaner then the one inside!!!!

all in a morning

2008-03-06T11:46:00.003-05:00

After discussing the small explosion, at times square and uneccessary violence like
political terrorism

robyn: people don't know how to deal with ther emotions
11:40 AM
robyn: OO most importantly i saw williem defoe this morning his eyes are firce
11:45 AM
maria: holy shit

another dollar .....another day

2008-03-04T19:26:00.010-05:00

so work sucks. next.

i am listening to the new blind melon.
"every day above ground was a good one".
Perhaps one of my favorite expressions, reminiscent of my all time favorite show...the dramariffic Six Feet Under.

Me and my sweetheart went to see Blind Melon at the Hiro Ballroom (the venue kicks ass aesthetically) in NYC Saturday night. Honestly, I had to drag myself to the show. I am a purist, a music snob, a moron when it comes to most things musical. I am opinionated..."Yeah, seriously, you're totally elitist. You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit onto people who know lesser than you"(High Fidelity).

That'd be me.

So we go. And right before the show I am all like this is going to be weird with this new singer and i don't know if i should even be here. Blah blah blah. Well they ruled. It was an excellent show and not only was I impressed but Ant (my sweetheart) was equally impressed and he had never been a Blind Melon fan to begin with.

I wasn't a Blind Melon fan to begin with.* I actually hated them because of the single "No Rain" and the asinine "Bee Girl" video. I was all like "Yeah, this is what we need - a hick singing in a field about love and happiness". The truth of the matter is that single is a poor representation of the band, and their talents..which are widely displayed on the 1st album that 'No Rain' was on (self titled debut). But more so on "Soup" (the 2nd and last album, due to Shannon Hoon's drug overdose while touring in support of that album) and "Nico" released after his death.

Remember when musicians used to die quiet and non-especially-surprising deaths? Maybe it is in fact the digital age. Maybe I was too young to pick up a news paper. but in my day (lol) when a musician or actor died there were a day or two of press...no prying, no trying to solve the god-damn mystery of it all (less Kurt Cobain, but that was some shady business. next). Michael Hutchence asphyxiated himself in an auto-erotic accident and people let it go...pretty quickly.

So things have changed. and now it's all about the moments leading up to and what people did and didn't do to help and how they could have been saved if only....
and blaming family and friends. I honestly do think most of the hysteria surrounds women in music and acting who do drugs ..... i don't think the world is ready to handle them yet. i mean...we only had the one, Courtney, and everyone hates her. So.

Anyway. I read that Shannon Hoon was forced to tour by Capitol Records.

I really hate Britney Spears.

(* i started to listen to Blind Melon when Soup was released).

blood in my ice cream

2008-03-03T20:36:00.004-05:00

i have to blog this although i haven't blogged in an eternity.

i had a bad day today in what seems like a series of bad days when i finally decide after walking around only saying "narf" to everyone for the evening that i should have some ice cream to cheer me up.

la la la la. troll off to the kitchen and scoop away.

the results:

so i guess the spoon was so fucking cold - it touched my lip and took a strip of skin off. Much like the affects of sticking your tongue to a pole.

Yes!
There is blood in my ice cream.

one more time without emotion

2007-08-08T12:34:00.001-04:00

I got a day off from work today because of flooding and tornadoes. In NYC. Yeah. Totally normal. I have nothing to do. Nothing at all. Sitting waiting for webmail.

So I get to sit in my hot ass apartment all day and do basically nothing because it is too hot to do anything at all. At work the AC is excellent. At work the AC is free!

The Brita water pitcher is frozen solid. I have to drink tap water. Non filtered Tap water.

Everyone who is at work wishes they didn't go in. It's quiet because no one is in the city because no one could really get there except for the few "lucky" bastards at my office.

This weeks heat has made everyone sick too. Everyone is getting a cold. It's like the consumption. I feel like I am living in the 20's.

Last night I went to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and it kicked total ass. The two opening bands were a sight for sore eyes too. The 1st act was called "Girls Girls Girls". When they came out on stage I realized they were an all-female Motley Crue cover act. This would only happen to me. No one could make this shit up if they
tried.

The second band is called "The Tiny Masters" - it is a 10 year old girl and her 12 year old brother. They are from Brooklyn. They were entertaining, but I thought I was watching two female primordial dwarfs for about 10 minutes. Again, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

The YYY's are notoriously awesome and a NY band(imho). There are so many haters who rip on the Strokes and the YYY's as hipster bullshit. The fact is that both of these bands are so raw and passionate they make me feel good about NYC and music. The way these bands play and issue music is very old-school and they aren't the image machine that most bands are. That image stuff bores me to tears.

For example, Justin Timberlake doesn't look like he is having fun when he performs. He doesn't look happy ever. Yeah, he is raking in the money and I am sure he loves music but at such a cost. I can't concentrate on what he is doing because I cant see past how full of himself he is. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a nasty coke habit.

I am listening to the new Flight of the Conchords CD, The Distant Future, over and over today because I am bored to tears. It's pretty hilarious. And the stream is free thanks to spinner.com.

It is either that or make a booty call. I am that bored.

sunday wrap up

2007-08-05T18:36:00.000-04:00

Last night i went out with the crew for beers and food. Everyone was in good form and it was a nice time. The summer is almost over, and i am sure the weekends of bars and bar food will boil down and I won't be eating total crap every Saturday night. I have food guilt. Yipes!

Today I spent the day with my Grandmother and Aunt. We went out for dinner. The food was mediocre but it was really a nice day and I loved getting out of the house with them. We have dinner at home every Sunday. The same old thing each week is bound to bore everyone to tears.

My grandmother is 91 years old. She is starting to slip a bit, and it is stressful on me but especially my aunt who is her primary caretaker. It's little things like confusion, and general frustration because she knows her memory isn't what it used to be. It probably wouldn't be so bad if she didn't get annoyed with herself - but she does. It just seems to have happened over night and each week i see her she seems a little less together. She is also not feeling wonderful. I think it is the brutal weather. She says she is depressed and bored. We just recently got her cable for the 1st time. I cant imagine going through 90 years without cable television, so she must be thrilled. Lord knows she never turns that Lifetime channel off.

My friends Grandmother is in a nursing home. This was a hard decision for everyone to make but her Alzheimer's was getting too much for her and her husband to manage. She is 82 years old. The Grandfather is about 80. The Aunt who intervenes is 89 years old and they, the younger family members, call her "Before Christ". Well "Before Christ" is difficult and mean and she says that the reason the grandfather takes the grandmother home from the nursing home as often as he does is to have sex with her. "Before Christ" tells the members of the family these things like they really want to be entertained by the thought even after they question the validity of this nonsense. Whose business is it if 80 something people wanna get it off once a week? Well it's "Before Christ's" business apparently.

My Grandmother is somewhat lucky. She has us. I won't turn my back on her now. I feel bad, and it's annoying, but I won't. I just want her to be happy and comfortable now on. She made me happy and comfortable when I was a kid, and totally helpless and exposed. I would tell her this...but she might not listen. Today my Grandmother went on about how the cats outside keep getting pregnant over and over again. How she doesn't really mind, it is nice to have the babies (kittens) around. I wondered what she would have said if I had come home pregnant over and over again. I felt really bad for about 10 seconds about something she wants to see for me. Or from me.
I know what she was thinking about and I hope. like everything else, she forgot it quickly.

I have to make some calls now and try and drive out of here to see some people.
The thought of work tomorrow isn't registering yet and I need more screw off time!

all along the clock tower

2007-08-04T12:38:00.000-04:00

Lofts in the South Bronx. Above the former Estey Piano Company. The South Bronx is now being dubbed SoBro - this is sort of old news.

From Wikipedia:

"The "South Bronx" is not a completely neutral term, as it is one commonly associated with urban decay of the 1970s. The terms "Downtown Bronx" and "SoBro" have recently been coined in hopes of replacing this somewhat outdated term for the region, with the latter term "SoBro" meant to conjure Manhattan's more affluent SoHo neighborhood. It is popular for being the birth place of hip hop music and culture."

We drove through the area last night and I saw several cafes and bars along the way which totally freaked me out. "In November 1999, Scientific American noted: "The Mott Haven section of New York City's South Bronx has long been one of the poorest neighborhoods in the nation. The median household income of its residents, most of whom are African-American or Hispanic, is less than one third of the U.S. median."(Wikipedia). Less then 10 years later and it is turning around. I was left for dead in this area on morning in about 1999/2000 when monsoon rainstorms stopped all train service, and let me tell you, it was no treat. I was quite terrified.

I said to my friend "this area isn't worth what they want for it" and he said "people are preparing for the future". He was 100% correct. Lord only knows what another 8-10 years may bring. For more info on Mott Haven I point you to Forgotten NY.

My favorite building of Mott Haven was the Farberware Factory (Images) which closed down in the 90's. It was simply massive. It was razed four years ago (my old company supplied the tools, I knew then I was in a job that I hated) and is now the site, I believe, of a Con Ed plant. They also removed a smoke stack (cut it down actually) that was associated with I believe a Milk or Bread plant.

I have pots and pans from the 1950's the are stamped BRONX, NY on the bottom. Buy me all the pots and pans in the world, and I refuse to part with these. They were handed down from my Grandmother, to my mother, and then to me. Why? My father wanted "Tools of the Trade" pots and pans. The bottoms all burned. They have already gone through the set. My p's and p's are like new. Not one has even stained nor burned. I appreciate the past more than my Father, which i find very ironic.

There is not a wikipedia entry for "NoBro" which is where I live because there is no need to change any negative connotation just yet. Seems eventually we will have our own urban decay and they will have to come up with a nasty nickname for it first in order for it to rebirth and become someplace trendy and cool. As of now, Robyn and I are the hipster community of Morris Park. We bought our Old Navy Hoodies in anticipation as we wait for the storm.

It's the 1st time.

2007-08-01T20:19:00.001-04:00

Welcome August.

gag. Summer is almost over. Doesn't have that same zing that it did when I was young. I feel no pressure. I don't feel like the summer will ever end now since it's 100 degrees here in my apartment. I know it will. I know I will soon be saying that the winter feels like it will never end.

All in all the summer hasn't been too bad. It started off somewhat cruel(potentially) and now it is what it is. So far this summer I haven't vacationed and I don't have any desire to do so. I went to NJ for almost a week and it cured what was ailing me and I would be happy just going back to my cousins, reading my book in her yard and playing with her son. I don't feel fantastic or anything. But I am looking forward to the rest of it; yet I do not yet know why.

What have I been doing this summer:
1. Reading a lot. I went into this yesterday so I wont be redundant.

2. Buying new music after years of just bumming music. Itunes price is right. A cd is about worth 10 bucks - I don't care who it is. Here is who it is:
a. regina spektor - begin to hope and soviet Kitsch
b. marilyn manson - eat me, drink me
c. the academy is - santi
d. fergie- the dutchess
e. yeah yeah yeahs- it is
f. bjork - volta
g. tori amos - american doll possee
h. damone- out here all night

3. Watchin TV. Yes! ME! Watching the tube like its 1939.
a. rock of love. Oh god, I know! But there is a long history between myself and Bret Michaels . Every man I have ever loved has now been on relaity televion. Well, every man who is a B Lister now. Wait. Is Tommy Lee A or B list?
b. flight of the conchords. Brilliant. Makes me laugh like a 2nd grader. If I do not laugh the 1st time I watch an episode, I will when I watch it again, and I always do watch it again. It actually propelled me into buying HBO on demand. and I do not part with $5.95 a month easily.
c. big love. I watch it sometimes. I like the show. It is getting better and the plot is getting much more interesting. I think I will demand an episode later.
d. Adult Swim. I need new Aqua Team episodes like Britney needs new hair extensions.
e. NY1. This is perhaps the greatest news station ever. If you don't live in NY you suck. And I am sorry, but Pat Kiernan is the greatest new anchor ever. He so gets it. He reports the news with sarcasm. It's about time someone did this.

4. Going to concerts. Ugh. I only saw Bjork so far. It was amazing and I do not regret it one bit. I am seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeah's on the 8th I think and that should be hot. No one goes to shows anymore. I have to go it alone. Thus the decline in concert going. They are also too fucking expensive. Too fucking expensive. I wish Itunes would start selling shows for the price they are worth, too.

5. Drinking. I call it "Summer of Sam (Adams)". It's just what I am doin now. I like Summer Ale. And when it goes into hibernation, I too will stop drinking beer. I will not stop drinking white wine or vodka.

6. Blogging. Being witty. Trying to find myself because I really lost myself in 2007. I feel good about this. My hair is dyed again. I am living my life the way I want to - although I work too much. I think I should aim lower in terms of work, because I am no where near rich yet, and basically a thousandaire and others I know have far exceeded me doing much less.

7. Trolling celebrity websites. This is mindless. I also though, as a balance, am really doing well in my NYC research and news intake.

8. Not getting a tan. Not reading Harry Potter books. Not obsessing. Not dating as much as I would like to (ugh. maybe tomorrow I will blog about that). Not seeing my friends as much as I would love to. Not meeting new people (I have extended myself. I did "meet" some new people at parties and film premiers and I didn't do this for ages so there is hope). I point all these things out, less the Potter books, because I aim to do it more. See more movies and art too. Seriously.

9. Doing things myself. Shopping. Food and otherwise. Seeing some art shows. Going to the Coney Island Mermaid Parade. Things I used to threaten to do; I do them now. I see concerts alone. I still cannot eat in public alone, and I will not see a movie alone. I just won't.

10. Driving. I drive more now then I was before the summer but I don't really have anyplace to drive. I cannot drive too far because I have a very old car and I fear it breaking down in the middle of my journey in the summer heat. I have a triple A card, and it works. Still, I am not interested in this bleak fanatsy coming true. I am probably going to have to risk it on the 18th, because I want to see my family. They can come get me if my car break down and that is what it is.

I am tired now. Ok, off I go.

i can't get no satisfaction

2007-07-31T19:31:00.000-04:00

I have to call someone I promised I would call. I want to but I won't commit. Why? A call will turn into a hangout.

I need a shower and I drank and now I shouldn't drive.

So instead I am blogging this, because I am a jerk who doesn't keep promises apparently. I am not the only person on the earth to break a promise. Now I know how uncomfortable other people feel when they do it to me.

I do not like this. I will call. Yipes.

Update: Number is not in my cell phone. Well, we all know what that means. When's the last time you memorized a phone number? Plzzzzzzz.

So, Nicole Ritchie is with child and Joel Madden is officially eternally famous. God bless that little dwarf. I don't even care or have anything against her. She is just so TINY and she has been so f**ked up previously. I am happy for her. Sincerely. No better way to straighten out one's life then to become preggers. It snaps your neck right back into place. Unless you are a REAL loser.

Yeah. You heard me.

I cannot at this point imagine what it may be like to have a baby. I do not know what this means but it isn't up there with my goals like it once was. Working long hours, not having a man around - I guess I am out of the zone, as they say. But the truth is, if I do not get my ass into the zone, I am not going to have a family. My father told me to adopt. i said "Adoption is for rich people, Daddy. People like you and I get to babysit a foster kid that their crack saturated parent(s) will eventually come back and snatch away".

I know. I am a total hater. I appreciate that my Father tried, at least, to keep me from giving up.

Now that I am at this point, all my years of responsibility seem silly. Like there would be no other way for me to have a child unless it was a complete accident. Much like Ms. Ritchie (I won't buy that this was a planned pregnancy). Much like myself. I mean, I cannot even imagine discussing dinner with a man today, let alone children.

Hey. I am not old at all. Lord knows where my uterus will wind up. How many I will have, etc. I just know I want a child more than I want a relationship (if i have to compare the two) and I do not know what that means for me. I suppose, if I had a lot of money, I would have a donor and call it a day.

It's only because of two things:
-I am not interested in nurturing a man anymore. Seems like that is the one type I have had.
-I do not want to ask anyone to help me do something I can probably do just as well myself.

Wow. Jaded.

Anyway, I am going to stick with not wanting a baby really. If I did I would make different choices in general wouldn't I?

Should it happen (and it would be like some immaculate conception) I guess I am keeping my baby. That is the synopsis. I am well past the "I don't know what I am going to do if the stick turns blue".

Shit my landlady is coming up. Just in the nick of time!

two quick years

2007-07-30T20:43:00.000-04:00

nothing new to report really.
sitting here at home with my beer and happy that my carpel tunnel syndrome has gone away for now, because it drove me crazy all day yesterday.

bored to tears really and may just go and read. I am currently reading "The hotel New Hampshire" by John Irving. I am on a kick. I had read a few of his books last year and I recently finished "Cider House Rules" and "A Prayer for Owen Meany". They were both fantastic and I would get into them, but I don't want to spoil the read for my friend, who borrowed Owen Meany. I thought of her the entire time I read the book, so I hope she loves it as much as I did.

I was reading a Marie Antoinette biography, but it was really quite difficult to focus on. It is more of a winter read. I hate when I stop a book though, seems i can never quite get back into it.

Today is my baby Cousins 2nd birthday and I cannot believe how much has happened in two quick years. I love him with all my heart. I wish I was with him today and every day.

This is him on his first day:

This is him his 1st birthday (06):

and this is him 3 weeks ago with my sunglasses on:

Happy Birthday Baby Brian!!

happiness is a cold beer

2007-07-29T18:35:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was so nice. Robyn and I walked the way over to Failte* and really enjoyed just taking in Kips Bay and looking around and chatting. She pointed out how she wishes she could do this more often and I agreed 100%. There was a time, before either one of us were very busy at all, that we were going to conquer neighborhood by neighborhood until we knew everything about everywhere.

Well. We are busy.

So we went to the bar. Drank beers. Yay! They had Sierra Nevada. Listened to the Rock-o-La (it was lame until we took over) and waited for her friends to arrive. Robyn works with some seriously nice people and I always have a great time around them. It's no frills and nice. They aren't phonies. No bullshit.

We had great conversations about concerts and our favorite concerts. One story was amazingly funny about how someone got to see Pearl Jam in some really great seats because his brothers fiance...and the like the biggest Pearl Jam fan ever.. was arrested for possession like 10 minutes before the show. So the brother called his brother to run on down and went to the show anyway citing "there was nothing I could do for her anyway"...and funny story.

A few people saw Nirvana. Points for me: I saw the Ramones and I met John Lydon. Robyn has seen every great band ever open for Guns N Roses apparently. She also saw Rage Against the Machine open for Smashing Pumpkins. Where the hell was I that day? Someone gave me the crazy eye when I said that some band I saw was like seeing the Who....lol. I think I was talking about the Strokes- who kick ass live but are in no way like the Who! I don't like the Who, which is probably why I said something silly like this. I meant the excitement obviously.

We all got kind of crazy to "Ain't Talking About Love" by Van Halen.

I also danced to "Rehab" finally in public. It was hawt.

I drank responsibly and got home in one piece. While for the bus we got to hear a couple fighting. The girl was drunk and emotional. The guy walked off, but he let her catch up with him and they got in a cab. We were so disappointed.

I talked Robyn's ear off about all of my feelings and then she feel asleep on the way home. Honestly, I don't know if it was boring or exhausting but boring and exhausting would be how I describe most if not all of the drama in my life.

I managed to meet one 40 year old drag queen (CoCo) and one very gay guy last night.

*Failte, pronounced "FALL-cha," means welcome in Irish. This place is one of the best bars I have ever been to.

new york saturday

2007-07-28T17:03:00.000-04:00

another Saturday and another Saturday that i venture back into new york city. Manhattan that is.

it's so humid i can only hope that boozing takes the edge off. there is no point in trying to look really cute today- my allergies are going bananas and the heat is making my makeup cake.
i look like britney spears at the end of the night and it's only 5:11 pm and I haven't even gotten to the beginning of the night.

i am heading out with the room mate who is talking crazy about taking a shower cap with her to protect her newly dyed hair. she said " i will totally do it too" when i gave her the look.

today i went food shopping and it provided me some sort of therapy because I haven't gone food shopping in months. Seriously. I found it to be depressing because I always did it with the ex and I am reminded by all the meals we shared and created together. Don't feel bad. I don't get sad- I just get angry. And getting angry in Pathmark is a HUGE mistake. But today was kick ass. I said fuck him and I bought a bunch of spinach and hummus and i said FUCK HIM!!

lolz!

OK, we are off. Robyn says

"a blog a day keeps the moodies away"....."or something away"....

lets hope it's not a sex life away.

blogging for my life

2007-07-27T10:37:00.000-04:00

i keep getting in trouble for not writing.

Wow. someone just distracted me. Big surprise.

Well there you have it - the number one reason I don't write anymore.

I am in terrible mood right now because I am exhausted and everyone in my office are acting like it is Friday and I, like a fool, was still in work mode and looking at how much money how many people owe us. I do not know why I care. It doesn't benefit me one way or another if we fold or succeed. We wont fold. People have owed us money for years.

Additionally annoying is the fact that my contacts have been discontinued and my eye doctor only has appointments smack in the middle of the day or 3 weeks off on a Saturday. I have what is in my eyes currently and I must locate a new eye doctor. Also, I must get a new referral to get this accomplished. Calling my doctor's office with stuff like this is not exactly an easy task as they always act as if they are being nailed to a cross and left for dead when i ask them to do their jobs.

Wow. Hater-tots and Hateraide to go!

I sort of want to walk out the door. I plan on spending a ton of money today on stuff I don't really need:

MAC makeup and makeup remover - i really do need this. I don't know why i say i don't.

gifts for everyone on the green earth (babies, friends, family it never ends) - this is the i don't really need part.

Today i started to look for weekend employment. It is almost as hard as finding a full time job apparently. All i want is a job in retail where they give you a machine that puts price tags on things and that is all i want to do for two days a week. I want to work in stock. I want to be an automated machine! Please, i have no customer service skills from Friday Night to Sunday Night. I couldn't begin to deal with our difficult society in an enclosed space. i need to work behind the scenes. I am doing this because I want a Mac Book. Seriously.

the job i wanted at blockbuster will never be. I so wanted to work there and be pretentious and give everyone my opinion of their shitty taste in film. Alas, It has closed down (one of the 200 out of 500o stores). At least i didn't work there already, only to be let go or transferred to a crappy neighborhood and get held up by gunpoint at 11 pm and be shot, deserving so, for my lousy attitude about movies like Big Mama's House parts 1 & 2 and no one will tolerate my lackluster opinion of the Lord of The Rings Trilogy.

I am also trying to find a class to take this fall and I cant figure out a thing about how to just take one class, pay for it, and get credits for it. They keep pushing me in the continuing education direction; non-credited nonsense. I tried to get my boss to pay for some design classes i could use for the company and he shot it down. What does he care if I improve myself in any way? Man am I in a bad mood today.

i am also listening to miserable Foo Fighters In Your Honor Disk 2. All acoustic. The softer side of Foo. I think it is supposed to be inspirational but it is bleak and depressing. Well.....So is Disk 1 but at least its electric. I really am obsessed with Metallica lately, it started with my roommate last week while watching the history of metal on VH1, and I really am going to download the black album tonight so i can relive one of the best years of my life when all I did was get second-hand stoned, drank beer and made out with the cutest boy in all of Westchester County. Let's not discuss what became of him.

And as if nothing else could get to me, the whole humorous adventures of Lindsay Lohan has developed into an angry and ugly story of her basically chasing down people and holding others hostage. She apparently blamed the whole thing on a "black kid". I hang my head in shame. Wait did you hear that sound? That was the sound a mediocre white actress's career ending.

i may just go see "I know who killed me" for fun. I will probably have the entire theatre to myself.

I am off to look for a box now. That is what a manager does, right?

get over yourself

2007-07-14T22:13:00.000-04:00

i woke up this morning with my usual set of plans only to realize that my cousin from Oklahoma remembered i would meet her in the city today, and i had sorta kinda forgot. So after about 10 minutes of brooding and deciding i should go and then there were 100 reasons why i shouldn't go, i brushed my hair, put on my converse and made my way into new york city. To lower Manhattan. On a Saturday.

anyone who knows me will tell you that getting me within 15 minutes of my place of work in the daytime weekend is not something I strive for. I only do this if i have to go into the office, and if I have to do that I am pretty pissed. The area is insanely crowded. Manhattan in general is insanely crowed on the weekends but Soho and China Town are monstrosities.

handbagpradaguccicouchhandbag

Of course there were the usual train delays and reroutes that make this all the more an enjoyable experience. While I was on the train a veteran of our fine war (the current one) came in to tell the riders a tale of how he was injured in the war and denied benefits and needed some money for food so I gave him all the quarters I was not going to be using because i nixed laundry to go see Oklahoma. I felt so good doing this. Not too minutes later, a second man came in, to tell us all he had suffered a stroke, he was a war veteran (of our last fine war,Vietnam) and needed some money for food. He only got 11 cents from me because that was all i had left. I felt miserable about this until I was distracted by the realization I was being kicked off the train at 42 street because of track work.

I got off the subway all together at bleeker street because they were going to skip a whole bunch of stops, including mine, so i decided i might as well walk because at this rate, i was wasting too much time with this mass transit nonsense. I bought a watch at swatch (hey, i like them. They hold up in my hectic lifestyle) and heading down crazy Broadway towards wall street. To meet my cousin and her family at the Trinity Church. And to walk the World Trade Center site.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I have no desire to walk the world trade center site and anyone who knows me knows why. I decided that today I wouldn't say a world, because the people from Oklahoma would probably think one of the following things-

- How unpatriotic! Never forget!
- You've never done this and you work by here? You must be too cool for the room.
- Wow. she is still traumatized by the event. Poor gal. We can go somewhere else.

None of these are entirely true and none of them are entirely false. I've seen the site 100
times - i just never go to see it. I don't like to breathe when I am down there. And it isn't because of the Deutsche Bank building and the horror stories about asbestos, which i should add I stood in front of for 10 minutes today, but just because....Some people simply became dust that day. You know....this disturbs me. I bet it disturbs you too.

Anyway....I made the best of it. I mean, what could i do? Be myself? Not today! I was amazed at my numbness and actual pleasure during the walk. People asked me questions and I had answers. We went into some of the Financial Building Centers that had been rebuilt and looked at plans for the future of the wtc site. I took a picture of the miniature construction diorama. (And by the way, it looks better as a diorama then on paper.) I sat on the stairs, relaxed, and talked to my cousins daughter about how i loved to shop at the World Trade Center. Told her about the great Century 21 (just the shopping, not how it saved one of my best friend's lives.No morbid stuff). I wasn't sad or sentimental or melancholy (an abnormal state attributed to an excess of black bile and characterized by irascibility or depression. ok.). I just was.

It seemed to take ages to get around there...and that is another reason I don't go. It is, after all, a construction site....it shouldn't take as long as it does to get anywhere as it does to get a few blocks down there. However, we then head up to Canal Street, to get Chinese food, and I see then where the exercise in trying to get from A to B is truly going to be tried. The place is lined, smushed, wall to wall people, everyday, so they can buy unbelievable, fake, gaudy, un-capitalistic crap. It's thirty times worse on a Saturday and I can see I am losing Oklahoma. I also learned today that many restaurants in Chinatown only take cash. I would have to tell them how much better they would do if they took plastic. The restaurants are closing down at an alarming rate. Oh well, no bother.

I couldn't have gotten off this crazy day of tourism at this point but for some sadistic reason I couldn't let it go. I was having the full on tourist experience. And now my team needed me where i excel. The Subway! I could have just walked them to the station and told them where to get off but I shivered at the concept of the 5 of them using the metrocard machines, not to mention the fact that the train may not go where it is supposed to and they would be faced with the same detours and delays as I had been. So we went - all of us. I also learned that if you buy a 10 dollar metro card, to be used for 5 people at 2 dollars each, the MTA will stop you at 4 people and say "exceeded limit". Why? Because it's inconvenient. That's why.

We stopped at Grand Central Terminal. Everyone was pleased. I was especially because it is my favorite place in NYC. No matter how busy, or how fast paced the day may be, the main concourse has a silence to it. Like a library. It is never as loud as it should be. It's simply the acoustics. It is beautiful. We spent more time in that room, looking at the ceiling and being bored by my knowledge about the cleanup of the station in the 90's, then I expected to. Finally, we got them to Port Authority so they could catch their bus. i had a long talk with my cousin walking east to west and i remembered why i like her so much, so this actually mad me sad to let her go away, which was my second change of heart for the day.

i love the city so much for it's history that I should really not be such a bitter pie about any part of it all. These are the things I am going to have to tell someone someday about....I know entirely too much about what happened 20-100 years ago and too little about what is going on now I guess. This new development boom bores me to tears I guess.

So now I am home and exhausted as could be from all the walking. Just sat down to eat some Tuna.

Do you know what it is like to try and eat Tuna with 3 cats in the house? It is f**king mayhem.

I am going to go read and pass out and hope my ankles do not hurt like holy hell tomorrow morning.

"Is it not cruel to let our city die by degrees, stripped of all her proud monuments, until there will be nothing left of all her history and beauty to inspire our children? If they are not inspired by the past of our city, where will they find the strength to fight for her future? Americans care about their past, but for short term gain they ignore it and tear down everything that matters. Maybe… this is the time to take a stand, to reverse the tide, so that we won't all end up in a uniform world of steel and glass boxes." - Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis (on the potential destruction of Grand Central Terminal/Station)

I'm about to tell you how i won the war

2007-07-13T23:28:00.000-04:00

i don't know where to start.

that is what took me so long to start doing this more than anything...the knowing where to start.

I am not going to introduce myself.

The is happening because I am reminded frequently by my roommate that I should start writing again. In some way. I do not think I am much good at it these days. I retired young because I suffered some sort of emotional burnout that I haven't found a replacement fuse for. I tell/told myself it's because I have been fairly happy...and that an artist needs pain to create anything worthy. I tell myself a lot of nonsense.

My father sometimes asks me "are you still writing?". "yep". I write a ton purchase orders and I was very controversial on Craig's List Rants & Raves in 2006.

Part of the problem is not having the time to write - the other part is not having the privacy to write. There are constant distractions and I am constantly explaining to someone what i am doing. Writing on the subway is impossible. I hardly score a seat and if I do I put on my ipod and read just to ignore everything around me. I even try to think about this type of stuff at the laundrymat and when i am just about onto something....someone asks me if I am using the dryer I am standing infront of dazing off into space.

And just like that. I lose it. I go back to counting quarters.

The last poem I write was titled "Really" and was published in 1999. I can no longer find it in my papers - online - etc. i am trying to locate it on 3 1/2 floppies and apparently floppy disks make your computer crash now. Well....it is 2007. I am trying to remember just one line and it escapes me. Completely. I wrote it under a pen name. A pseudonym. I do not remember that now either. But for some reason I think if i find it I can have a reference point....a place to pick up from. Or to see how good or how bad I really was.

Long ago, I (co) wrote a sonnet for each character of the movie "Children of the Corn". Ok, They were more like lymerics. Even the dog, Sarge. I can rememebr that. Amazing. I wrote a poem in high school during a writing festival. I had to pick a word out of a hat or a bag and I picked the word "Sock" and write a poem in 3 minutes. I won. (last 3 lines: curl me up inside a ball. i wont move. i need you). Hack. I won 75 dollars.I cashed my first check in a check cashing place that day. We all cut the rest of school and ate a really big breakfast. Really big day.

The most intense thing I have ever written has been lost to my lack of motivation and sentiment. Which is a little sad...but all the while there is some reason for it and I cannot pick up where I left off....which is why I never picked up.

distractions call.

but this is a step in some direction.

holy shizzle

2007-05-03T18:43:00.001-04:00

I am sooooooooo excited.
Only 5 more days!!!!!!!!

thanks mr. trent!

happy easter

2007-04-08T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune
-poe

and I won't lie. I just wanna go home. I just wanna go home...

2007-04-02T13:38:00.000-04:00

Yes people, amazingly just hours before BW I could get around in a normal shoe. I am happy this happened because I already make enough a spectacle of myself day to day, I don't need a surgical device to help me.I have to thank Liz for arranging for me to get some special attention directed at my foot in the bar in Boston. That was very sweet of her and although I was embarrassed at first I now giggle every time I think of it. I also met some really cool people from Damone, Ok Go, Rocket and of course the LGOT's (whom I never get a chance to say hey to). Everyone was lots of fun in Boston at the bar. Karaoke really puts people in a colorful and revealing mood. Apparently we all love the Spice Girls...well at least for at least two minutes in time.

They have a train that runs right down the street long side traffic. i didn't know that! That's f**king crazy. Yet....

I recoil. Jebus. Pennsylvania chewed me up and spit me out.To make a VERY long story short the weekend was a tad bit more adventurous then we had all planned for. We did however have gremlins (a mix of every soda and ade in the eatery) and vodka...which i named "Spikes". My dad would be proud of me drinking on the street like a real class-A hoochie woman. I also had a unnamed shot (barkeep wouldn't tell, that's sorta scary now) of alcohol in the bar with Jessica that tasted like what the beach smells like. It was lovely.There was a slight change of plans but the BW show in Philadelphia was awesome and amongst one of the best I have yet to see. Pink made an appearance for "Song Without.." which was a thrill (one of my favs). The bar we went to after the show was pretty cool, and the scenery was terrific, and I was happy as a clam. And clammy as well.

Butch Walker March 30th,2007

Next morning was filled with awful dread as we made our 300 mile journey to Pittsburgh. Have you ever been to Pittsburgh? It certainly took me by surprise. I have never been to such a place - the sights, the bridges, the peace officers. 2 minutes into our arrival I was scared to all heck - praying to whoever was still paying attention that I got out of this town alive.This show was in a converted church. BW fans in Pittsburgh are pretty intense, and I never saw it coming, but the crowd and the show was so full of energy and passion that it made the trip worthwhile. I did not get to spend much time around the master of ceremonies but I did get to say "goodbye and thank you". The photos are a little "smokey".

Butch Walker March 31st, 2007

Mostly I am really happy about the great people I got to hang with and for Liz, Jessica and Tracey making it all bearable even under really icker conditions. I am glad everyone is home safe and sound and all is well in the world (well, not really at all...but sorta) Fact is, I almost didn't make it with my busted foot and all so the whole thing was sort of a miracle for me to begin with. My highlights also include the 1st album cuts and the Marvie songs. It is never disappointing and Butch Walker is a legendary performer.

NY is tomorrow. Will see what, if anything at all in my broken state, that will bring.

off to see the wizard

2007-03-28T10:16:00.000-04:00

going to oz or the circus for the day or two.
yay!

UPDATE (3/29/07)

photos from Boston Show (3/28/07) Rocket, The Honorary Title and Butch Walker and the LGOTs

Butch Walker March 28 2007

damn it

2006-12-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

i wish i was in atlanta.
wah.

Ekk gads.

2006-12-09T14:51:00.000-05:00

Jason Lee is a scientologist.
I am not sure that this helps me sympathize with Scientology or makes me dislike Jason Lee now.
Gee. This is sad.
Apparently, it's been going on for a while too.
Right under my nose.
I have a poster of him in my living room.
Does that make me a bad person?
I'm so confused.

thank you note

2006-11-22T21:15:00.001-05:00

It's almost Thanksgiving day, and I have tons to be thankful for. Like that I totally kicked school's ass and got two A's. It's official. I have my 1st degree!

This is my Thanksgiving Thank You list:

I would like to thank my roommate. She just gave me some wine and asked me to test taste her creamed spinach. She is dressed like she just stepped out of an asylum(toe socks - you know the socks that look like gloves and a mets headscarf, I think.) I love coming home to her on days like this. We are both in good moods. And will be watching Dexter on bootleg in like 10 minutes.

See my roommate and I have much in common we came full circle. We've also lived together so long that our friendship has changed (but not in a bad way - just as in "I already know all your business, so what should we talk about" sorta way) Now we have Dexter. A new bond over serial killers, alcohol and food has unraveled before our very eyes. I owe her a ton for the past year and change. She really didn't have to put up with me and she did. I won't take back what I said about her choice of evening wear tonite, but I love her.

And lastly:

You didn't think I would forget this guy, did you? TMR41H!

School's out for....

2006-11-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

maria!

I am thrilled and somewhat scared all at the same time. I don't remember what it is like to have a lot of free time so I have a list of things I want to do this next year. I hope I do keep busy. It is either that or laying on the couch watching television.

I have about 20 books I need to read - oh how I miss fiction.
I also hope I get to see more shows then I have been. These are two things I have missed most of all outside of spending time with my family and friends without feeling distracted by pending assignments.

I also think I have decided officially where I will spend another million dollars in education, but I shouldn't worry about that today-on my last day of class- because it defeats the purpose of unwinding.

Gwen, I am one wound up biotch.

Anyway, my last weekend of class was overshadowed by the Cruise-Holmes wedding.
Jebus, even Britney Spears was overshadowed by the Cruise-Holmes Wedding. I read up about the scientology wedding and was less that shocked at how odd the thing is. The core of it all is blissful but:

In the old-fashioned language that marks the Traditional version, the groom is reminded that girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat and is asked to provide them all.

A pan? A Comb? A cat? Perhaps?

Above photo is an actual chart given to me on the subway from the N.Y.C.O.S. For scientometric testing. I am certain they would find that I fall in the "attention urgent" category.

I have to go do some useful thing with myself now. Like read something that teaches me only about hard knocks and people I do not know. Not math and rock formations!

The little apartment that could...

2006-10-28T17:55:00.000-04:00

kill us all?

My beloved Halloween. How could this have happened to you? How could the most pagenistic of all holidays actually be doomed? It never was before. No family. Low costs. Revealing your inner child or ego for fun. It's a perfect holiday. This year it's all off on the wrong boot.

First off. I am sick. I have an ear infection and a sinus infection. I also have some other issues with my nose. So since I cannot drink, I cannot get buck wild. I know, one shouldn't have to drink to have a good time. I am the opposite. I like to wait till I am having a good time and then tie one on. I am good at this. But the way the day is going this shouldn't be a problem.

You may have noticed the winds of 50 mph outside?

Ok I will work around that too!

Today when I work up I discovered my outlet on my bedroom was fried, the plug melted. After having a total shitfit about the "slum" we live in, my landlord made repairs to nearly every outlet in the apartment. It's a good thing we did it too -"we were bound to have a fire." That will be comforting as I go to bed tonight. There are 3 more apartments here. The building is old and I am young with all this technology. It's a deadly combo as we saw today. So if you have old outlets get them checked and replaced before you kill your love ones and quite possibly yourself.

I was supposed to do fun things this weekend and those plans have all crumbled. I think I am going to a party where I can fidgit in my lovely Johnny Ramone costume while I battle my social alcohol problem. Thank jesus my costume for once is very low maintenance.

Ellis as a Hero

2006-10-23T11:18:00.000-04:00

I love Bret Easton Ellis.
Look at the name alone. Who has a name like that? Nobody basically. One of the wonders of Ellis is that his books come across wonderfully on film. One will always alter from the other - however, the films are nearly as enjoyable as the books, regardless of the proximity to the original story line. In laymans terms. I like them both equally.
When I am done with school I am going to re-read all his novels.

But I really decided to blog about him today because of all the people who hate on "Lunar Park" his last full novel (2005). Why do so many people dislike it? It's absolutely ridiculous for one thing. The imagery, the concepts, the topics. At this time I should also point out how ridiculous the "Wizard of Oz" is. And please, don't get me started on The Hobbit or whatever nightmare started the Lord of The Rings melee.

The reason I love the book so much is quite simple. It's obvious he is making fun of what he did in the past with American Psycho, Less than Zero, Rules of Attraction, etc. The fact of the matter is his novels are disturbing to a fault (for the squeamish), and if believable or not, highlight the most depraved acts of a human being. It is more than sex, drugs and money. Ellis unveils the most disgusting thoughts and actions of a Rich Young White America. He also manages to reference the most uber of pop culture refrences. Imagine the best tabloid article you have ever read - and it's 300 pages long. If Paris Hilton could read, I would suggest she picks up "Glamorama". I can tell Lohan has read all his books. At least, I am fairly certain.

It is also obvious he is admitting some regret and responsibility for the influence of his subject matter - namely "American Psycho". Or at the very least some guilt he won't admit. And shouldn't admit outside of a novel where the point is made, subtle enough to not destroy his image of a person who embraces the darker side of life.

Long story short. You wont enjoy "Lunar Park" as much as you would if you read and enjoyed all his other novels. I think the negative comments come from people who very much liked maybe one of his books. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, I just don't feel this book should take the beating it has. Yes it is filled with unbelievable concepts that are a bit hard to follow but doing so is worth the reward. It is an obvious autobiographical placed in a surrealist setting. He worked in a Furby. A FURBY! YOU IDIOTS! Brilliant!

Now,please, go and read "less than zero".