it was the best of times. it was the worst of ...

ok lemme ask you this?

who gets married and has a baby in the middle of an economic depression?
Apparently me and my dead grandmother.

as you know the financial future sure looks bleak now...but who knows. all i know is i have been burning through money between moving and planning a small ceremony and getting ready for baby. It just seems like nothing stops and every day someone needs more money rattled out of my broke ass.

aside from the fact that i am getting poorer by the second i should mention i am rich in love and happiness from my fiance and all the people around us who are helping us during this time.

i know things could be a lot worse so while i cant count my pennies i will count my blessings.

i will dole out a lil advise though. try and not get married when you are like 5 or 6 months pregs...the wardrobe options get slim!

but here she is - my lil bug:

From Pictures

i'm back?

well.
it has been ages hasn't it? things have been getting kinda hectic. so i stop now to update everyone on where and how i have been.

I started a new job!

I got engaged!!

I moved!! In with my sweet anthony!! he is playing PS2 right beside me as I blog. it is wonderous!!

I have a laptop!!

and other things I will blog over in good time but for now I leave you all with just this.....






xo,

mariba

i received the following email today.

Dear Sir,

My greetings to you and your lovely family! This mail might come to you as asurprise
and the temptation to ignore it as unserious could come into your mind; but please
consider it a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility. My name is
Martinez Morgan. I am a 54 years old man, I am Cuban currently residing in Venezuela
(Venezuela). I was formerly living in Cuba and served under Castro`s government
but had to run into self exile after the ruling Government of Fidel Castro closed
in on my family on accusations of anti-government statements, I was once married
with two children but my family also my wife and children escape to america before
they where one of those vitim in world trade centre.

l did made a lot of money serving Castro and on getting to Venezuela, I have been
a merchant here in Venezuela dealing in Ornamentals, Oriental Carpets and Artifacts
and life was very smooth for me until about three(3) years ago when I was first
diagnosed of Stone kidney. Before this happened my business and concern for making
money was all I lived for, I never really cared about other values in life. But
since the loss of my family and hometown, I have found a new desire to assist helpless
families. I have been helping orphans in orphanage/motherless homes.

I have once donated some money to orphans in war ravaged Eritrea, Somalia, Sudan
and some East European Countries.
Before I became ill, I kept $ 4.5 Million in a long-term deposit vault of a finance
company and I now that i have lost my 2 kids and my lovely wife who was suppose
to be next of kin when the money was deposited and if I died without putting some
one incharge to use it for the help of those motherless and homeless as well as
orphanege homes so that the money will not automatically go into the coffers of
the finance company and I don`t want this to happen. I have left the hospital and
presently receiving treatment in an acupuncture clinic, I have been undergoing treatment
for Stone kidney at the hospital.

I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only
a few months to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to those
who really needs it then allowing it to get lost in the bank or any organizations
will not use it for the good work of GOD.

Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness,
I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.
Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me collect the deposit and distribute
it amongst charity organizations. Use your judgement to distribute the money and
feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money for any cost you incur during
the process of collecting and distributing the money to charity organizations. I
am willing to offer you a reward If you are willing to help, please reply as soon
as you can on my alternate email address:( mar.morgan54@gmail.com ). Looking forward
to hearing from you soonest.

Best wishes,



-stone kidney eh? sounds serious!

today's interview - like sand in my bathing suit - only less comfortable

hello world. yes i am still blogging for all 10 of you who read this. Things have been hectic as of late. I have given myself over to staffing agencies. Been interviewing a bit more. Still have yet to find a job.

Today I had an interview that required I dress up in a suit and heels and smile a lot. The past few years I have been able to get by on skill alone, but desperation in these desperate times now requires that I dress up like a CEO and march in just to tell someone I can answer phones and type memos. How does my clothing show the world any of this? It doesn't. It is stupid. Now I am not saying you should interview in jeans and a tee-shirt, although I should add that half my interviewers have in fact been in jeans and a tee-shirt, but a black suit....come on now. It means nothing at all.

But i digress. I initially met with the CFO or CEO or controller. She was very staunch - but nice. And we had what I thought was a decent, even great, interview. So great in fact she asked me to hang out and meet with the principal. I agreed of course- he would be the guy I would be assisting.

We walk into his office - he glances at a chair and says sit down. I immediately dislike this man and I can tell this will never work. But I say to myself "you've worked for some really big jerks, maria. Give it a chance." Then he asks me several condescending questions about my resume (which is pretty good) and mentions to the CEO that he doesn't need someone to "do all this" - the controller and the principal have a quick conversation about why i would be needed,who I would be assisting, all the while making me insanely uncomfortable.

And then it happens.

"where is this in the Bronx?" (i explain where i live)
"How long did it take you to get here?" (40 minutes...he says sourly "that long?" I consider this quick!)
"Are you married?" (No.)
"do you have children?" (NO. but this time laser beams are about to shoot out my eyeballs)
"Because that would make it very hard for you to get into work". (yes. he fucking said this)

At this point as far as I am concerned the interview is over and I wont even work for this fat, selfish piece of shit whose idea of family is the business he owns and the people (his sons) who work for/with him. I met with one of his sons, just because I didn't feel good walking right out since the CEO had been so gracious so far. He was really nice. If he had been the guy I would work for it would have been a different game.

I got outside and immediately called the staffer who set this up and I told him what happened. He agrees with me that it was inappropriate but defended the guy for asking. When I tell him I cant take the job, he gets aggravated and pretty much terminates the call. At this point I am fine with all this - but I know in my heart it isn't over at all. I know that they loved me. I know I can have the job that I didn't want. I knew they would call him and tell him this.

Phone rings about 40 minutes later. It's the staffer - calling to tell me they love me and that he discussed why i was not a happy camper. He tells me initally he didnt tell them we had spoken, and they sys he told the CEO we spoke. I notice at this point he is a liar, and a bad one at that. He goes on in all sorts of ways to defend why this man asked me these questions, such as wanting to get to know me, which was all untrue because the man told me it was because I couldn't get to work in the morning of I had a family. When i pointed this out to this asshole staffer - he got angry and again terminated the call.

me-" I appreciate what you are trying to do Ric, but he made me very uncomfortable"

ric-"What i am trying to do???? I am only relating information. You know what, I am gonna wish you good luck and say goodbye"

me-"Goodbye"

This phone call left me so deflated and made me realize just how shitty women have it. Seriously, I do not want to be thinking about this guy if and when I get engaged, married or have children....which is what I was trying to explain to the agent,Ric the asshole, who really did not give a shit about my feelings, all the while. It is wrong for the guy to ask the questions (illegal actually) but if he wishes to know that and it is something he doesn't want then I agree! Don't hire me! But not only was I made to feel inadequate because I am female, I also had my nose shoved in it....2 more times by my count.

I decided to temp if that is at all possible. I am officially bitter!!

Happy Memorial Day!!

how annoying

i have been subpoenaed to attend a resume writing workshop in a continuing effort to assist me in obtaining employment.

i have to report to someplace on east 149th street on May 15th with my resume. If i do not - this is the BEST PART, the part when they threaten me- my benefits might be suspended.

HOW FUCKING ANNOYING!

I just finished a conversation in which I said 'maybe i will learn something' and
My fiend said "i doubt it. i do not think anyone has ever learned anything on 149th street". She is probably unequivocally, absolutley and totally right. I don't have time to look up on Wikipedia what has happened on 149th street so I will recap my few memory:having coffee at a bodega at 7 am with two women who were drinking 40 oz's


HOW FUCKING ANNOYING!

show me the money. or spare me.

New York State has asked me to participate in the South Bronx Workforce Career Center Program. I am offended for the following reasons:

1- I am not from, living in or interested in the South Bronx. Just the North. Thanks.
2- Here is what I get from the site they pointed me to after wasting 2 hours of my time filling out forms and answering questions.


Below are the job openings that matched your search.

There are currently no jobs listed with America's Job Bank in this field within: (ANYWHERE not 25,50,100 miles or NEW YORK STATE (.)period)

You can revise your search radius, or visit America's Job Bank for more search options.


So I did visit America's Job Bank for more search options
Here is what America's Job Bank had to offer:

Cleaners of Boats: inspect parts, equipment and boat for cleanliness, damage and compliance with standards or regulations. Scrub, scrape, or spray machine parts, equipment or boats - using scrapers and brushes, cloths, cleaners, disinfectants, insecticides, acid, abrasive...

On Site Linen Manager: The qualified professional will provide in-service linen management, inventory control and maintain good customer relations in a facility located in Brooklyn. The person must be proficient in microsoft office and excel, be organized and have strong leadership...

Carnival Worker: Friendly, outgoing, energetic staff. All positions open full and part-time. Carnival ride attendanats, games, crafts and fun foods. No experience necessary. Driver's license a plus. Heavy lifting involved. Weekends required.

I should point out that the Carnival Job is a new york state job, but surprisingly not listed with the NYS job bank. Go figure. The typo on attendanats is also their typo....

the plans that we made...a street serenade

you can't be like your
brother and mike,
content just to live and get by.
i hope that your fine,
at 13th and 9.
waxing or waning?
your call.
but i see you there
alight at the top of the stairs
but so far away
and i recall all your
hands and your plans moving me
the sense that it made
a street serenade.


-waxing or waning, better then ezra

no but everything's fine

80,000 jobs slashed in March

U.S. employers slashed jobs for the third straight month in March, the longest period of declines since early 2003. CNNMoney.com reports the unemployment rose to a nearly three-year high, yet another sign the economy may be falling into a recession.

I feel better that 79,999 other people have suffered this cruel fate.

In other news, the pregnant "man" - he is obviously NOT REALLY A MAN. SO look at it this way - he is a bearded WOMAN who is pregnant. WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL!!!???
Ugh. this country should be bombed from space forever.

7 am is the new 8 am

This morning something strange happened on the television.... Rainy days and Mondays....I tell ya....

I overheard the newscaster say that the MTA stated they would be unable to comply with the previously issued improvements they said they would make if they increased the fares. And they did raise the fares. I may have been dreaming. But it seems that is what they said, to which I reply, "Are you fucking kidding me?".

It is not as if I believed at any point that the MTA could really improve anything, I mean, there is only so much you can do for a system that satisfies 7 million customers daily. At this point the only way to help is to have one constant platform moving and people just jump onto it. I also really want to know precisely how the congestion pricing is going to affect the trains. If the thousands of people who drive in every morning want to get on the train now, I do not know where we are going to put them. I have been tempted to just roll myself under the seats and travel in that way because there is no room. No room at all. Even leaving hours earlier is no longer helping. Apparently everyone goes to work at 7 am. I guess 7 am is the new 8 am.

My only two complaints about the system are that there is not enough service for people, and there just can't really be. And that there is not really a good level of coordination at all. Alas, they never promised me a rose garden. I never cared how dirty the trains were, how much crime was on the subway etc. I just wanted to get to work in under an hour. Infuckingpossible.

But for now that is all someone else's problem. Hoorah!

My employment dilemma carries on and between me and everyone reading this, I have no desire to work, to look for work, to commit to a job, to feign enthusiasm, to attempt to wear a skirt, to smile and say I really am a team player but I work well independently too. None. And I really won't. I bet there are nice people out there I have just been dealing with the same people for so long I am sheltered and I am in all likelihood a little insane. I fear I have Stockholm syndrome and I sympathize with morons.

Today I worked out to the new Counting Crows album. I am pretty sure that is a clear sign of mental illness.

it is raining

OK so the weather is total shit. I am going to go to the gym now I guess.

I really have nothing else to do but sit here and read

I have returned from my adventure to the daytime world and let me tell you it ain't pretty. Much as I suspected daytime people are all people who are out there because they have to be. Meaning, they are elderly, disabled or legally insane and honestly, in my experience, these are pretty much the same thing. Wait I forgot the 4Th possible category: suddenly unemployed.

The lady on the treadmill next to mine was singing out loud. But you know, like every 9th line of the song, so it would be sort of jarring when she would burst out full throttle. She was also doing some sort of rain dance shit. She was tremendously out of shape,god bless her, but it is pretty obvious she is new to this because she was (1) tremendously out of shape and (2)she was acting like an asshole on the treadmill and I will bet my entire gym membership that nighttime people simply don't stand for that shit.

Another man in the gym was on like a stair-climber type thing and he was going so fast it looked as if someone had it on fast motion like they would do on TV, like on Benny Hill. I was laughing so hard I nearly ate it and fell off my treadmill. Basically I cannot change my center of gravity at all on a treadmill or I go wobbling off. And yet I am judging the actions of others at the gym? But you should have seen this guy. I am pretty sure he wasn't doing it right.

Lastly when I tried to use the elliptical stations, there was a man about 7 inches shorter then I am - in full cycling wear. I mean, head to toe spandex and sunglasses that covered most of his face. He also had a ace bandage (or old pantyhose) tied around his knee cap. He looked like a pirate/jockey hybrid. And then his woman. She looked like a biker. And I mean like she was in the Ching-a-Ling gang. She looked mad that I was using station 6, because she was coming up on station 6. So I stopped and fucking left. No need for that sort of heat.

I walked home and I went to get my eyebrows/misc. hairiness done as a reward for leaving the house. When I walked in the 'salon' what appeared to be four 3rd graders getting manicures all stared at me, and I was ever so enthused to actually get all sorts of facial hair peeled straight out of my face, and come back out blistered with redness, only to have these brats KNOW that I am old and hairy. Then I remembered they all must have old hairy, mothers. They are after all getting manicures and they are like 10.

On a total side note, my room mate had ordered a microwave in anticipation of us moving soon (are we still since i am now a broke ass _______? stay tuned). She ordered it for like a dollar from Macy's. So somehow, they sent her TWO of them, days apart. And they both had the same order number. So basically it was the perfect crime. Two cheap ass microwaves for like REAL cheap.
Room mate takes the high road and calls Macy's and tells them what has transpired. So today, UPS gets here and picks up the box. I meet the UPS guy and he says I am also supposed to pick up an iron. Now i know room mate has this iron up here, but I know she only got one of those. So I tell the UPS guy "That must be some mistake. We aren't returning the iron".

I know he thinks I am a lezbian now and that is fine. But then he gives me a slip and says ok take this for when you are going to return that.

I am now eating a plum and drinking a beer. I know. Who does that???

who is carmen hawke?

I have been awake for one hour 26 minutes.

since awakening I have watched "posh and becks" true Hollywood story, and about 4 minutes of "keeping up with the kardashians". I guess the mother had a trainer over to help them with their diets...and she suggested putting a chicken coop on the property so they could have fresh eggs. I can only imagine the hilarity that ensues because I think that's disgusting and I shut it off. I hate reality TV. It's all forced and scripted.

So I made a cup of coffee, ate some cookies. Contemplated my own chicken egg coop so I could stop like eating cookies for breakfast and sat down here. I have made the following observations about being unemployed:

1- I wasn't happy at work this whole year. I am bereaved because of my grandmothers death and I needed a job that made me feel useful and important. This job that I had was much the opposite. I think they bullied me in a way. No one could help me out when I asked for help. So now I feel it was pretty spiteful. I don't think I like that at all.

2- My resume looks like crap and I am too uninspired to even sit here and redo the stupid thing.

3-I truly only want to hang out with my boyfriend and THINK about going to the gym. I won't actually get off my ass and go to the gym.

4-Some may think I am lazy or feeling sorry for myself. My friend who has been on bed rest with a high-risk pregnancy said she said something like "well i never had the chance to be lazy before" when faced with the dilemma of being on the couch for months at end. Yeah. I hear that! So there is my silver lining. Except like why the fuck am I comparing being fired to bed rest???? I would like to relax for like a week. But i keep coming across jobs that want to pay me a whole lot of money. I feel like every minute passing is an opportunity lost. So you can see why it sucks to me someone like me, and to be on the dole.

5-Everyone says right now I should do all the stuff that I haven't had a chance to do. You don't really want to do that when you're confused about your future. I had HIGH hopes and now I am totally stalled. I can't stand not having control over basically anything...so this is no treat. Then I feel like everyone MIGHT think I am not trying hard enough. Yes. I still care what people think of me.

So my main dilemma is trying to be comfortable with NOT being a "monster" as my roommate put it the other day. I have to let this LIE for a few days. I cannot run right out there and dedicate myself to another shit job because I feel the need to
prove myself to myself or others or because well, I feel NOT having a job is the lowest form of existence. (There is a REALLY REALLY good reason for that).
But I am so not like that!!!

This morning in between THS and Kardashians I also saw a commercial for Milla Jovovich's Target line. And I said "Why Milla? WHY NOW?" (I actually texted my discontent to my boyfriend, who is at his job, and i am sure he is still rolling his eyes now).Ok, who is Carmen Hawk? Anyway. I guess this is what it looks like and I now vaguely remember something about this on Jezebel.



I like 2 and 4 - which i BET are not Milla inspired cos she said something about flowers in the commercial and I don't do flowers anymore. I don not think I have done floral since my 1st year of employment when I wore long floral skirts. Wretch!

Thankfully I am not floored by the line at all.

There is a Yoga class in 1 hour and 45 minutes. I can only imagine what the gym is like on a Thursday afternoon. Daytime people terrify me.

More about that soon I am sure.

i don't feel like bloody working!

so my boyfriend will be here in 5.

We are going to go for a walk. Get some food. Get some beer.

I look adorable and you know what:

no one has called me yet for an interview and you know what:

i don't feel like fucking working anyway!

There!!! I said it!

i sort of lost my job this week.

well i totally did.

but look at this:


http://zoltanslab.co.uk/index.html

ok i feel a lil better now

Quick Vote

Paris Hilton's new show: Would you compete to be her best friend?

Yes 4% 507
No 96% 11410

Total Votes: 11917

this is so not normal!

i left my job! to rush home to my sweetie and get dinner!

"i am not going to shower. ill shower after dinner"

Torrential downpour. I get caught in the rain. So i decide to shower.....

(start "Phycho" music!)


Um....

what!????

But I just like....washed my body with that.....


Now...how to brush my teeth!?

WTF!!
Obviously the shower I took outside was cleaner then the one inside!!!!

all in a morning

After discussing the small explosion, at times square and uneccessary violence like
political terrorism

robyn: people don't know how to deal with ther emotions
11:40 AM
robyn: OO most importantly i saw williem defoe this morning his eyes are firce
11:45 AM
maria: holy shit

another dollar .....another day

so work sucks. next.

i am listening to the new blind melon.
"every day above ground was a good one".
Perhaps one of my favorite expressions, reminiscent of my all time favorite show...the dramariffic Six Feet Under.

Me and my sweetheart went to see Blind Melon at the Hiro Ballroom (the venue kicks ass aesthetically) in NYC Saturday night. Honestly, I had to drag myself to the show. I am a purist, a music snob, a moron when it comes to most things musical. I am opinionated..."Yeah, seriously, you're totally elitist. You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit onto people who know lesser than you"(High Fidelity).

That'd be me.

So we go. And right before the show I am all like this is going to be weird with this new singer and i don't know if i should even be here. Blah blah blah. Well they ruled. It was an excellent show and not only was I impressed but Ant (my sweetheart) was equally impressed and he had never been a Blind Melon fan to begin with.

I wasn't a Blind Melon fan to begin with.* I actually hated them because of the single "No Rain" and the asinine "Bee Girl" video. I was all like "Yeah, this is what we need - a hick singing in a field about love and happiness". The truth of the matter is that single is a poor representation of the band, and their talents..which are widely displayed on the 1st album that 'No Rain' was on (self titled debut). But more so on "Soup" (the 2nd and last album, due to Shannon Hoon's drug overdose while touring in support of that album) and "Nico" released after his death.

Remember when musicians used to die quiet and non-especially-surprising deaths? Maybe it is in fact the digital age. Maybe I was too young to pick up a news paper. but in my day (lol) when a musician or actor died there were a day or two of press...no prying, no trying to solve the god-damn mystery of it all (less Kurt Cobain, but that was some shady business. next). Michael Hutchence asphyxiated himself in an auto-erotic accident and people let it go...pretty quickly.

So things have changed. and now it's all about the moments leading up to and what people did and didn't do to help and how they could have been saved if only....
and blaming family and friends. I honestly do think most of the hysteria surrounds women in music and acting who do drugs ..... i don't think the world is ready to handle them yet. i mean...we only had the one, Courtney, and everyone hates her. So.

Anyway. I read that Shannon Hoon was forced to tour by Capitol Records.

I really hate Britney Spears.


(* i started to listen to Blind Melon when Soup was released).

blood in my ice cream

i have to blog this although i haven't blogged in an eternity.

i had a bad day today in what seems like a series of bad days when i finally decide after walking around only saying "narf" to everyone for the evening that i should have some ice cream to cheer me up.

la la la la. troll off to the kitchen and scoop away.

the results:






so i guess the spoon was so fucking cold - it touched my lip and took a strip of skin off. Much like the affects of sticking your tongue to a pole.

Yes!
There is blood in my ice cream.