i can't get no satisfaction

I have to call someone I promised I would call. I want to but I won't commit. Why? A call will turn into a hangout.

I need a shower and I drank and now I shouldn't drive.

So instead I am blogging this, because I am a jerk who doesn't keep promises apparently. I am not the only person on the earth to break a promise. Now I know how uncomfortable other people feel when they do it to me.

I do not like this. I will call. Yipes.

Update: Number is not in my cell phone. Well, we all know what that means. When's the last time you memorized a phone number? Plzzzzzzz.





So, Nicole Ritchie is with child and Joel Madden is officially eternally famous. God bless that little dwarf. I don't even care or have anything against her. She is just so TINY and she has been so f**ked up previously. I am happy for her. Sincerely. No better way to straighten out one's life then to become preggers. It snaps your neck right back into place. Unless you are a REAL loser.


Yeah. You heard me.

I cannot at this point imagine what it may be like to have a baby. I do not know what this means but it isn't up there with my goals like it once was. Working long hours, not having a man around - I guess I am out of the zone, as they say. But the truth is, if I do not get my ass into the zone, I am not going to have a family. My father told me to adopt. i said "Adoption is for rich people, Daddy. People like you and I get to babysit a foster kid that their crack saturated parent(s) will eventually come back and snatch away".



I know. I am a total hater. I appreciate that my Father tried, at least, to keep me from giving up.

Now that I am at this point, all my years of responsibility seem silly. Like there would be no other way for me to have a child unless it was a complete accident. Much like Ms. Ritchie (I won't buy that this was a planned pregnancy). Much like myself. I mean, I cannot even imagine discussing dinner with a man today, let alone children.

Hey. I am not old at all. Lord knows where my uterus will wind up. How many I will have, etc. I just know I want a child more than I want a relationship (if i have to compare the two) and I do not know what that means for me. I suppose, if I had a lot of money, I would have a donor and call it a day.

It's only because of two things:
-I am not interested in nurturing a man anymore. Seems like that is the one type I have had.
-I do not want to ask anyone to help me do something I can probably do just as well myself.

Wow. Jaded.

Anyway, I am going to stick with not wanting a baby really. If I did I would make different choices in general wouldn't I?

Should it happen (and it would be like some immaculate conception) I guess I am keeping my baby. That is the synopsis. I am well past the "I don't know what I am going to do if the stick turns blue".

Shit my landlady is coming up. Just in the nick of time!

two quick years

nothing new to report really.
sitting here at home with my beer and happy that my carpel tunnel syndrome has gone away for now, because it drove me crazy all day yesterday.

bored to tears really and may just go and read. I am currently reading "The hotel New Hampshire" by John Irving. I am on a kick. I had read a few of his books last year and I recently finished "Cider House Rules" and "A Prayer for Owen Meany". They were both fantastic and I would get into them, but I don't want to spoil the read for my friend, who borrowed Owen Meany. I thought of her the entire time I read the book, so I hope she loves it as much as I did.

I was reading a Marie Antoinette biography, but it was really quite difficult to focus on. It is more of a winter read. I hate when I stop a book though, seems i can never quite get back into it.

Today is my baby Cousins 2nd birthday and I cannot believe how much has happened in two quick years. I love him with all my heart. I wish I was with him today and every day.


This is him on his first day:


This is him his 1st birthday (06):


and this is him 3 weeks ago with my sunglasses on:


Happy Birthday Baby Brian!!

happiness is a cold beer

Yesterday was so nice. Robyn and I walked the way over to Failte* and really enjoyed just taking in Kips Bay and looking around and chatting. She pointed out how she wishes she could do this more often and I agreed 100%. There was a time, before either one of us were very busy at all, that we were going to conquer neighborhood by neighborhood until we knew everything about everywhere.

Well. We are busy.

So we went to the bar. Drank beers. Yay! They had Sierra Nevada. Listened to the Rock-o-La (it was lame until we took over) and waited for her friends to arrive. Robyn works with some seriously nice people and I always have a great time around them. It's no frills and nice. They aren't phonies. No bullshit.

We had great conversations about concerts and our favorite concerts. One story was amazingly funny about how someone got to see Pearl Jam in some really great seats because his brothers fiance...and the like the biggest Pearl Jam fan ever.. was arrested for possession like 10 minutes before the show. So the brother called his brother to run on down and went to the show anyway citing "there was nothing I could do for her anyway"...and funny story.

A few people saw Nirvana. Points for me: I saw the Ramones and I met John Lydon. Robyn has seen every great band ever open for Guns N Roses apparently. She also saw Rage Against the Machine open for Smashing Pumpkins. Where the hell was I that day? Someone gave me the crazy eye when I said that some band I saw was like seeing the Who....lol. I think I was talking about the Strokes- who kick ass live but are in no way like the Who! I don't like the Who, which is probably why I said something silly like this. I meant the excitement obviously.

We all got kind of crazy to "Ain't Talking About Love" by Van Halen.

I also danced to "Rehab" finally in public. It was hawt.

I drank responsibly and got home in one piece. While for the bus we got to hear a couple fighting. The girl was drunk and emotional. The guy walked off, but he let her catch up with him and they got in a cab. We were so disappointed.

I talked Robyn's ear off about all of my feelings and then she feel asleep on the way home. Honestly, I don't know if it was boring or exhausting but boring and exhausting would be how I describe most if not all of the drama in my life.

I managed to meet one 40 year old drag queen (CoCo) and one very gay guy last night.

*Failte, pronounced "FALL-cha," means welcome in Irish. This place is one of the best bars I have ever been to.

new york saturday

another Saturday and another Saturday that i venture back into new york city. Manhattan that is.

it's so humid i can only hope that boozing takes the edge off. there is no point in trying to look really cute today- my allergies are going bananas and the heat is making my makeup cake.
i look like britney spears at the end of the night and it's only 5:11 pm and I haven't even gotten to the beginning of the night.

i am heading out with the room mate who is talking crazy about taking a shower cap with her to protect her newly dyed hair. she said " i will totally do it too" when i gave her the look.

today i went food shopping and it provided me some sort of therapy because I haven't gone food shopping in months. Seriously. I found it to be depressing because I always did it with the ex and I am reminded by all the meals we shared and created together. Don't feel bad. I don't get sad- I just get angry. And getting angry in Pathmark is a HUGE mistake. But today was kick ass. I said fuck him and I bought a bunch of spinach and hummus and i said FUCK HIM!!

lolz!

OK, we are off. Robyn says

"a blog a day keeps the moodies away"....."or something away"....

lets hope it's not a sex life away.

blogging for my life

i keep getting in trouble for not writing.

Wow. someone just distracted me. Big surprise.

Well there you have it - the number one reason I don't write anymore.

I am in terrible mood right now because I am exhausted and everyone in my office are acting like it is Friday and I, like a fool, was still in work mode and looking at how much money how many people owe us. I do not know why I care. It doesn't benefit me one way or another if we fold or succeed. We wont fold. People have owed us money for years.

Additionally annoying is the fact that my contacts have been discontinued and my eye doctor only has appointments smack in the middle of the day or 3 weeks off on a Saturday. I have what is in my eyes currently and I must locate a new eye doctor. Also, I must get a new referral to get this accomplished. Calling my doctor's office with stuff like this is not exactly an easy task as they always act as if they are being nailed to a cross and left for dead when i ask them to do their jobs.

Wow. Hater-tots and Hateraide to go!

I sort of want to walk out the door. I plan on spending a ton of money today on stuff I don't really need:

MAC makeup and makeup remover - i really do need this. I don't know why i say i don't.


gifts for everyone on the green earth (babies, friends, family it never ends) - this is the i don't really need part.


Today i started to look for weekend employment. It is almost as hard as finding a full time job apparently. All i want is a job in retail where they give you a machine that puts price tags on things and that is all i want to do for two days a week. I want to work in stock. I want to be an automated machine! Please, i have no customer service skills from Friday Night to Sunday Night. I couldn't begin to deal with our difficult society in an enclosed space. i need to work behind the scenes. I am doing this because I want a Mac Book. Seriously.

the job i wanted at blockbuster will never be. I so wanted to work there and be pretentious and give everyone my opinion of their shitty taste in film. Alas, It has closed down (one of the 200 out of 500o stores). At least i didn't work there already, only to be let go or transferred to a crappy neighborhood and get held up by gunpoint at 11 pm and be shot, deserving so, for my lousy attitude about movies like Big Mama's House parts 1 & 2 and no one will tolerate my lackluster opinion of the Lord of The Rings Trilogy.


I am also trying to find a class to take this fall and I cant figure out a thing about how to just take one class, pay for it, and get credits for it. They keep pushing me in the continuing education direction; non-credited nonsense. I tried to get my boss to pay for some design classes i could use for the company and he shot it down. What does he care if I improve myself in any way? Man am I in a bad mood today.

i am also listening to miserable Foo Fighters In Your Honor Disk 2. All acoustic. The softer side of Foo. I think it is supposed to be inspirational but it is bleak and depressing. Well.....So is Disk 1 but at least its electric. I really am obsessed with Metallica lately, it started with my roommate last week while watching the history of metal on VH1, and I really am going to download the black album tonight so i can relive one of the best years of my life when all I did was get second-hand stoned, drank beer and made out with the cutest boy in all of Westchester County. Let's not discuss what became of him.

And as if nothing else could get to me, the whole humorous adventures of Lindsay Lohan has developed into an angry and ugly story of her basically chasing down people and holding others hostage. She apparently blamed the whole thing on a "black kid". I hang my head in shame. Wait did you hear that sound? That was the sound a mediocre white actress's career ending.


i may just go see "I know who killed me" for fun. I will probably have the entire theatre to myself.

I am off to look for a box now. That is what a manager does, right?

get over yourself

i woke up this morning with my usual set of plans only to realize that my cousin from Oklahoma remembered i would meet her in the city today, and i had sorta kinda forgot. So after about 10 minutes of brooding and deciding i should go and then there were 100 reasons why i shouldn't go, i brushed my hair, put on my converse and made my way into new york city. To lower Manhattan. On a Saturday.

anyone who knows me will tell you that getting me within 15 minutes of my place of work in the daytime weekend is not something I strive for. I only do this if i have to go into the office, and if I have to do that I am pretty pissed. The area is insanely crowded. Manhattan in general is insanely crowed on the weekends but Soho and China Town are monstrosities.

handbagpradaguccicouchhandbag

Of course there were the usual train delays and reroutes that make this all the more an enjoyable experience. While I was on the train a veteran of our fine war (the current one) came in to tell the riders a tale of how he was injured in the war and denied benefits and needed some money for food so I gave him all the quarters I was not going to be using because i nixed laundry to go see Oklahoma. I felt so good doing this. Not too minutes later, a second man came in, to tell us all he had suffered a stroke, he was a war veteran (of our last fine war,Vietnam) and needed some money for food. He only got 11 cents from me because that was all i had left. I felt miserable about this until I was distracted by the realization I was being kicked off the train at 42 street because of track work.

I got off the subway all together at bleeker street because they were going to skip a whole bunch of stops, including mine, so i decided i might as well walk because at this rate, i was wasting too much time with this mass transit nonsense. I bought a watch at swatch (hey, i like them. They hold up in my hectic lifestyle) and heading down crazy Broadway towards wall street. To meet my cousin and her family at the Trinity Church. And to walk the World Trade Center site.

Anyone who knows me will tell you I have no desire to walk the world trade center site and anyone who knows me knows why. I decided that today I wouldn't say a world, because the people from Oklahoma would probably think one of the following things-

- How unpatriotic! Never forget!
- You've never done this and you work by here? You must be too cool for the room.
- Wow. she is still traumatized by the event. Poor gal. We can go somewhere else.

None of these are entirely true and none of them are entirely false. I've seen the site 100
times - i just never go to see it. I don't like to breathe when I am down there. And it isn't because of the Deutsche Bank building and the horror stories about asbestos, which i should add I stood in front of for 10 minutes today, but just because....Some people simply became dust that day. You know....this disturbs me. I bet it disturbs you too.


Anyway....I made the best of it. I mean, what could i do? Be myself? Not today! I was amazed at my numbness and actual pleasure during the walk. People asked me questions and I had answers. We went into some of the Financial Building Centers that had been rebuilt and looked at plans for the future of the wtc site. I took a picture of the miniature construction diorama. (And by the way, it looks better as a diorama then on paper.) I sat on the stairs, relaxed, and talked to my cousins daughter about how i loved to shop at the World Trade Center. Told her about the great Century 21 (just the shopping, not how it saved one of my best friend's lives.No morbid stuff). I wasn't sad or sentimental or melancholy (an abnormal state attributed to an excess of black bile and characterized by irascibility or depression. ok.). I just was.

It seemed to take ages to get around there...and that is another reason I don't go. It is, after all, a construction site....it shouldn't take as long as it does to get anywhere as it does to get a few blocks down there. However, we then head up to Canal Street, to get Chinese food, and I see then where the exercise in trying to get from A to B is truly going to be tried. The place is lined, smushed, wall to wall people, everyday, so they can buy unbelievable, fake, gaudy, un-capitalistic crap. It's thirty times worse on a Saturday and I can see I am losing Oklahoma. I also learned today that many restaurants in Chinatown only take cash. I would have to tell them how much better they would do if they took plastic. The restaurants are closing down at an alarming rate. Oh well, no bother.

I couldn't have gotten off this crazy day of tourism at this point but for some sadistic reason I couldn't let it go. I was having the full on tourist experience. And now my team needed me where i excel. The Subway! I could have just walked them to the station and told them where to get off but I shivered at the concept of the 5 of them using the metrocard machines, not to mention the fact that the train may not go where it is supposed to and they would be faced with the same detours and delays as I had been. So we went - all of us. I also learned that if you buy a 10 dollar metro card, to be used for 5 people at 2 dollars each, the MTA will stop you at 4 people and say "exceeded limit". Why? Because it's inconvenient. That's why.

We stopped at Grand Central Terminal. Everyone was pleased. I was especially because it is my favorite place in NYC. No matter how busy, or how fast paced the day may be, the main concourse has a silence to it. Like a library. It is never as loud as it should be. It's simply the acoustics. It is beautiful. We spent more time in that room, looking at the ceiling and being bored by my knowledge about the cleanup of the station in the 90's, then I expected to. Finally, we got them to Port Authority so they could catch their bus. i had a long talk with my cousin walking east to west and i remembered why i like her so much, so this actually mad me sad to let her go away, which was my second change of heart for the day.

i love the city so much for it's history that I should really not be such a bitter pie about any part of it all. These are the things I am going to have to tell someone someday about....I know entirely too much about what happened 20-100 years ago and too little about what is going on now I guess. This new development boom bores me to tears I guess.

So now I am home and exhausted as could be from all the walking. Just sat down to eat some Tuna.

Do you know what it is like to try and eat Tuna with 3 cats in the house? It is f**king mayhem.

I am going to go read and pass out and hope my ankles do not hurt like holy hell tomorrow morning.

"Is it not cruel to let our city die by degrees, stripped of all her proud monuments, until there will be nothing left of all her history and beauty to inspire our children? If they are not inspired by the past of our city, where will they find the strength to fight for her future? Americans care about their past, but for short term gain they ignore it and tear down everything that matters. Maybe… this is the time to take a stand, to reverse the tide, so that we won't all end up in a uniform world of steel and glass boxes." - Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis (on the potential destruction of Grand Central Terminal/Station)

I'm about to tell you how i won the war

i don't know where to start.

that is what took me so long to start doing this more than anything...the knowing where to start.

I am not going to introduce myself.

The is happening because I am reminded frequently by my roommate that I should start writing again. In some way. I do not think I am much good at it these days. I retired young because I suffered some sort of emotional burnout that I haven't found a replacement fuse for. I tell/told myself it's because I have been fairly happy...and that an artist needs pain to create anything worthy. I tell myself a lot of nonsense.

My father sometimes asks me "are you still writing?". "yep". I write a ton purchase orders and I was very controversial on Craig's List Rants & Raves in 2006.

Part of the problem is not having the time to write - the other part is not having the privacy to write. There are constant distractions and I am constantly explaining to someone what i am doing. Writing on the subway is impossible. I hardly score a seat and if I do I put on my ipod and read just to ignore everything around me. I even try to think about this type of stuff at the laundrymat and when i am just about onto something....someone asks me if I am using the dryer I am standing infront of dazing off into space.

And just like that. I lose it. I go back to counting quarters.

The last poem I write was titled "Really" and was published in 1999. I can no longer find it in my papers - online - etc. i am trying to locate it on 3 1/2 floppies and apparently floppy disks make your computer crash now. Well....it is 2007. I am trying to remember just one line and it escapes me. Completely. I wrote it under a pen name. A pseudonym. I do not remember that now either. But for some reason I think if i find it I can have a reference point....a place to pick up from. Or to see how good or how bad I really was.

Long ago, I (co) wrote a sonnet for each character of the movie "Children of the Corn". Ok, They were more like lymerics. Even the dog, Sarge. I can rememebr that. Amazing. I wrote a poem in high school during a writing festival. I had to pick a word out of a hat or a bag and I picked the word "Sock" and write a poem in 3 minutes. I won. (last 3 lines: curl me up inside a ball. i wont move. i need you). Hack. I won 75 dollars.I cashed my first check in a check cashing place that day. We all cut the rest of school and ate a really big breakfast. Really big day.

The most intense thing I have ever written has been lost to my lack of motivation and sentiment. Which is a little sad...but all the while there is some reason for it and I cannot pick up where I left off....which is why I never picked up.

distractions call.

but this is a step in some direction.